By Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph
Within my vast array of incredibly awesome gifts (which includes unparalleled humility) is the ability to have time-traveling dreams that foretell actual events.
The other night I was having my standard dream of being naked in a classroom during a midterm I hadn’t studied for, when I was launched into a wild adventure that spanned the entire 2011-12 Chargers season.
Fortunately for all of us, when I woke up, I jotted down the results of all the games before I could forget them. Bet accordingly.
September 11 vs. Minnesota: Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder throws for an NFL record 12 interceptions (including one to Chargers equipment manager Bob Wick) in a performance so abysmal, Christian Ponder, as his name suggests, considers changing religions. Chargers 49, Vikings 6.
September 18 at New England: Tom Brady’s hair gets caught in Giselle’s juicer before the game. Chargers 27, Patriots 13.
September 25 vs. Kansas City: Defending division champs? Please. The only bigger fluke than the Chiefs winning the AFC West was Amy Winehouse outliving Jack LaLanne. Chargers 31, Chiefs 10.
October 2 vs. Miami: His recently confiscated Heisman Trophy now moves faster and more often than recently acquired Dolphins running back, Reggie Bush. Chargers 24, Dolphins 14.
October 9 at Denver: Broncos QB Tim Tebow’s throwing motion is so slow, Chargers safety Eric Weddle was able to begin his blitz as Tebow cocked, and tackled him before the release. Chargers improve to 5-0 into the bye week with a 31-0 massacre at Mile High .
October 23 at New York ( Jets ): Philip Rivers completes an NFL record 47 passes, or one for each of Jets corner Antonio Cromartie’s illegitimate children. Chargers 38, Jets 17.
October 31 at Kansas City. Last year, the Chiefs masqueraded as champions. This Halloween, the trick is on them. Chargers 35, Chiefs 10.
November 6 vs. Green Bay: Super Bowl MVP quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who lives in Del Mar during the offseason, sprains his back on game day while picking up the 123 Union-Tribunes that had collected on his driveway since training camp started. Chargers 35, Packers 24.
November 10 vs. Oakland: Uhoh. This is a “trap” game. The 8-0 Chargers take on the 2-6 Raiders on Thursday night. Raiders return three kickoffs for touchdowns in a special teams nightmare reminiscent of 2010. The ’72 Dolphins can celebrate the fact their undefeated season is safe again. Raiders 21, Chargers 20. Ouch.
November 20 at Chicago: Jay Cutler limps off the field with a separated taint midway through the first quarter. Back-up QB Caleb Hanie fumbles six times. Chargers 24, Bears 3.
November 27 vs. Denver: Poor Bronco Tim Tebow. This time he overthrows a wide-open receiver in the end zone as time expires. In his best throw of the day, the ball shatters a cluster of lights on the scoreboard. Chargers 23, Broncos 20.
December 5 at Jacksonville, December 11 vs. Buffalo and December 18 vs. Baltimore: Even my dream was bored by these games, but the final scores are 13-6, 17-9 and 21-7 respectively. The Chargers are 13-1 at this point.
December 24 at Detroit: ‘Twas the night before Christmas in suburban Detroit, the Lions pathetic, the Chargers adroit. Chargers 45, Lions 6.
January 1 at Oakland: Nothing like ringing in the New Year with 10,000 hungover Chuckies in the Black Hole. By now the 3-12 Raiders are phoning it in (leave your name at the bleep). Chargers 23, Raiders 3.
Divisional Playoff, January 14 vs. Indianapolis: Long-necked Peyton Manning visits the San Diego Zoo that morning to finally meet his biological father: Hoppy the Spastic Giraffe. Chargers 35, Colts 31.
AFC Championship , January 22 vs. New England: Attention addict and Pats receiver Chad Ochocinco legally changes his name to Kareem Oliver Diaz just in time for kickoff. Chargers 31, Patriots 21.
Super Bowl XLVI, February 5 vs. Philadelphia: Booking the Baha Men for the half-time show proves to be a cruel joke on Eagles QB Michael Vick, who hears “Who Let The Dogs Out?” in the locker room and becomes completely distracted. Chargers 35, Eagles 28. Antonio Gates (3 TDs, 116 yards receiving) is the MVP. Chargers finish 18-1.