Who Are You Wearing?


By David Perloff

(Published in the October 2010 issue)

Some celebrities treat lots of days like Halloween. Lady Gaga just sported a

meat dress on MTV, Prince Poppycock’s been scaring guys back into the

closet on America’ Got Talent, and the cast of Jersey Shore are caricatures of

themselves seven days a week. (You know what situation I’m tawkin’ abowww?

Boo-yah! Fuhgettaboutit!)

When Halloween actually arrives, celebs go batsh!t. When the doorbell rings

and the kids go, “Trick or Treat,” even Jack in the Box wears a costume-basically,

he paints his head beige, throws on a brunette wig and goes as Rosie O'Donnell.

As you step out onto the stage-blood-soaked red carpet at the end of the month, here

are some of the other celebrity costumes you might see.

Bud Black*: The Invisible ManThe Padres manager goes transparent for

a night to commemorate the fact that,

whenever the playoffs come around, the

Pads are nowhere to be seen.

Paris Hilton : Prize Fighter with Bloody Nose

All she really needs is boxing gloves

and Everlast shorts-the cocaine

should take care of the blood part.

Jamarcus Russell: Phillip RiversThe drug-smuggling ex-Oakland

Raider can pretend to be a real

quarterback (like our hometown hero,

Mr. Rivers), even if just for one night.

Glenn Beck : Obama Mask with Hitler Mustache

Fresh off his Million White Guy March

(some estimates put the Washington

Mall crowd at closer to 50,000), the

crackpot newscaster has compared our

44th President to the fuhrer. Heil, Glenn!

Kate Gosselin : A Samsonite SuitcaseTo complete the look for the whole

family, the Kate Plus Ei8ht star dresses

her kids as carry-ons. When you have

this much baggage, there’s no sense in

trying to hide it.

Mel Gibson: Road WarriorNo costume needed-the hammered

anti-Semite can simply fly down

Mulholland Drive shrieking racial

epithets out the car window, then

blame the Jews when he gets pulled

over. (It’s not just the Jews, Mel...God

hates you, too.)

Adam Lambert*: Six-Foot Weiner“Walmart sold out of Simon Cowell

masks,” the American Idol winner

says. “This seemed like the next closest


Christine O'Donnell: Wicked Witch of the East

The anti-masturbation member of the

Tea Party recently revealed that she

practiced witchcraft in college. The

accessory: a tub of Vaseline, of course.

Ahh...therein lies the rub.

Shawn Merriman*: Trojan ManHaving dated Tila Tequila , the

Chargers’ linebacker has learned the

value of protection. The costume comes

with bottle of Valtrex as an accessory.

Phil Mickelson*: Charles BarkleyThe pro-golfer wants the world to

know that he isn’t the only overweight

celebrity athlete with a gambling


Demi Moore : Rumer (her eldest daughter)

With skin so wrinkle-free from all the

Botox, all Demi has to do is throw on

one of Rumer’s short dresses (they wear

the same size, after all) to look like she’s

the same age as the girls her husband’s

been shagging. Dude, where’s my car?

Check the parking lot at Déjà Vu.