Who Are You Wearing?
(Published in the October 2010 issue)
Some celebrities treat lots of days like Halloween. Lady Gaga just sported a
meat dress on MTV, Prince Poppycock’s been scaring guys back into the
closet on America’ Got Talent, and the cast of Jersey Shore are caricatures of
themselves seven days a week. (You know what situation I’m tawkin’ abowww?
When Halloween actually arrives, celebs go batsh!t. When the doorbell rings
and the kids go, “Trick or Treat,” even Jack in the Box wears a costume-basically,
he paints his head beige, throws on a brunette wig and goes as Rosie O’Donnell.
As you step out onto the stage-blood-soaked red carpet at the end of the month, here
are some of the other celebrity costumes you might see.
Bud Black*: The Invisible ManThe Padres manager goes transparent for
a night to commemorate the fact that,
whenever the playoffs come around, the
Pads are nowhere to be seen.
Paris Hilton : Prize Fighter with Bloody Nose
All she really needs is boxing gloves
and Everlast shorts-the cocaine
should take care of the blood part.
Jamarcus Russell: Phillip RiversThe drug-smuggling ex-Oakland
Raider can pretend to be a real
quarterback (like our hometown hero,
Mr. Rivers), even if just for one night.
Glenn Beck : Obama Mask with Hitler Mustache
Fresh off his Million White Guy March
(some estimates put the Washington
Mall crowd at closer to 50,000), the
crackpot newscaster has compared our
44th President to the fuhrer. Heil, Glenn!
Kate Gosselin : A Samsonite SuitcaseTo complete the look for the whole
family, the Kate Plus Ei8ht star dresses
her kids as carry-ons. When you have
this much baggage, there’s no sense in
trying to hide it.
Mel Gibson: Road WarriorNo costume needed-the hammered
anti-Semite can simply fly down
Mulholland Drive shrieking racial
epithets out the car window, then
blame the Jews when he gets pulled
over. (It’s not just the Jews, Mel...God
hates you, too.)
Adam Lambert*: Six-Foot Weiner“Walmart sold out of Simon Cowell
masks,” the American Idol winner
says. “This seemed like the next closest
Christine O’Donnell: Wicked Witch of the East
The anti-masturbation member of the
Tea Party recently revealed that she
practiced witchcraft in college. The
accessory: a tub of Vaseline, of course.
Ahh...therein lies the rub.
Shawn Merriman*: Trojan ManHaving dated Tila Tequila , the
Chargers’ linebacker has learned the
value of protection. The costume comes
with bottle of Valtrex as an accessory.
Phil Mickelson*: Charles BarkleyThe pro-golfer wants the world to
know that he isn’t the only overweight
celebrity athlete with a gambling
Demi Moore : Rumer (her eldest daughter)
With skin so wrinkle-free from all the
Botox, all Demi has to do is throw on
one of Rumer’s short dresses (they wear
the same size, after all) to look like she’s
the same age as the girls her husband’s
been shagging. Dude, where’s my car?
Check the parking lot at Déjà Vu.
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