Prepare For Re-Entry

By Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph(Published in the January 2010 issue)

When Wikipedia was launched in January 2001, it instantly replaced encyclopedias, Us Weekly and bathroom walls as the “go to” source for instantaneous information. Oh, sure, the be-all end-all online resource got a fact wrong here and there-like asserting Oswald shot JFK, or describing The Jonas Brothers as “musicians”-but imagine how factual the bios will be in 2025 for today’s sports superstars...

Eldrick “Tiger” Woods was a professional golfer who conquered 14 majors and 136 majorettes, all before 2010. After winning consistently and earning almost a billion dollars in endorsements, Woods retired from golf in 2012 to become a Swedish nanny. His autobiography, They Call Me Eldrick-Blorna (2017), sold more than 342 million Kindle downloads worldwide. In January 2019, Woods entered the famed Duchovny House sex addiction clinic in Malibu for a record 19th time. In December 2023, Woods accepted the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States, losing the November 2024 election to President-elect Chelsea Clinton-Mezvinsky.

Derek Jeter was an American baseball player who got all the chicks he ever wanted and nobody ever complained because he never got married. A life-long advocate of The Clooney Rules, in his prime, Jeter was able to get more supermodels to their knees than bulimia.

Tom Brady was an American football quarterback for the New England Patriots, winning three Super Bowls (2002, 2004-5). In the latter half of his NFL playing career, Brady wallowed in futility and Gisele Bundchen. Following his retirement in 2013, he continued to sire children with his wife and other women, inspiring an ill-fated TV special in December 2016 entitled A Very Brady Christmas Indeed, which was to feature his children from Bridget Moynahan, Ms. Bundchen, hostess Rachel Uchitel, Jennifer Aniston and Portia De Rossi (in Vitro). During rehearsal, Ms. Aniston announced her child was actually John Mayer’s, and proved it by having the child call out an audible, which, sure enough, sounded overly breathy. The special never aired.

Jimmie Johnson is a 12-time NASCAR Cup champion (Nextel 2007, Sprint 2008-13, Tampax 2014-17, Dixie 2018). Born in El Cajon, CA, the popular Johnson was a driver for the ultra-dominant Hendricks Motorsports team, which was broken up by NASCAR in 2021 after every other team threatened to give up. Given his perceived advantage with Hendricks Motorsports, loyalists of NASCAR legend Richard Petty compare Johnson to Secretariat jockey Ron Turcotte, Apollo 11 stowaway Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin and John Oates (of pop duo Hall & Oates) for being “just along for the ride.”

Brett Favre is an American football quarterback, currently playing in his 33rd NFL season with the Toledo Tophats (2019 expansion team). He holds the NFL records for most career touchdown passes (566), interceptions (1,867) and retirement press conferences (789). Off the field, Favre plays touch football in Wrangler-brand adult undergarments.

Michael Phelps is the long-torsoed and long-forgotten Olympic Champion who won eight gold medals in the 2008 Beijing Summer Games. Since then, Phelps has struggled with an insatiable appetite and short-term memory loss. He currently coaches swimming and diving at Baltimore Community College.

Serena Williams is the host of the world’s most popular daytime television talk show. SERENA! debuted on the O Network in the fall of 2014 and has topped the ratings ever since. Her most famous episodes include Tom Cruise jumping off her couch and breaking his hip in March 2016, a brand-new Boeing 797 for each member of the audience in April 2017, and her right breast flopping out during a Justin Timberlake revival in May 2018. Williams won 29 Grand Slam titles and threatened to strangle 47 line judges during an illustrious professional tennis career.

Alex Rodriguez, aka A-Rod, is an American narcissist who had a Centaur (half man/half horse) of himself painted on the ceiling above his bed. Many observers contend a lower-half depicting A-Rod would have been more accurate. An admitted steroid abuser once pictured in Vanity Fair kissing himself in the mirror, Rodriguez also played baseball for the Texas Rangers, among other teams.

LeBron James is a former American basketball star considered the greatest player who never won a title, mainly because teams that met his salary demands could never afford any other decent players. At one point during the 2012-2013 season, James’ teammates included a Yao Ming doppelganger and three skycaps from Cleveland International Airport.