"I got papers, blunts, bongs - all the ingredients to make a high-nigga pie." - Marlon Wayans as Shorty Meeks in Scary Movie
5.1: Marlon Wayans @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org
"I'm on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I've only missed one day so far." - Kevin Nealon on Comedy Central Presents
5.5-7: Kevin Nealon @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"The best thing you can do as a father is make sure your wife, the mother of your children, gets as much as rest as possible, because sleep deprivation in a mother leads to murder." - Jim Breuer on Jim Breuer: Let's Clear the Air
5.6: Jim Breuer @ Observatory North Park, observatorysd.com
"Subway's new colors, motto and commercials all scream PLEASE FORGET JARED PLEASE FORGET JARED PLEASE FORGET JARED." - Michael Kosta on Twitter
5.6-7: Michael Kosta @ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com
"Every time you see a pay phone, you're like, 'Oh, my god, take a picture, they're about to take it down.' [My son's] never gonna know about being out late at night and having to pick up that nasty receiver that has gum and gonorrhea on it." - Gabriel Iglesias on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
5.6-7: Gabriel Iglesias @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com
"The '80s is my time, y'all. I loved the '80s, 'cause I was in school in the '80s, I had good credit in the '80s, and Michael Jackson was black in the '80s, y'all." - Loni Love on Comedy Central Presents
5.12-14: Loni Love @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"I'm 25-percent white, and occasionally that 25 stands out in stuff I'm into. I just gotta blame it on the 25; it don't really match up with a black guy. I like to go to the movie theater and shut the hell up. That's the 25." - Tony Baker on Gabriel Iglesias Presents Stand-Up Revolution
5.13-14: Tony Baker @ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com
"I figured out how Trump will get Mexico to pay for the wall. #IfTrumpWins, it's in their best interest to keep the fleeing Americans out." - Eric Schwartz on Twitter
5.13-14: Eric Schwartz @ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com
"In America, all you ever get is the negative side of drinking: 'He got drunk and killed a busload of children.' Come on, man. It's time someone pointed out the good in alcohol. Drinking creates conversation, right? You gotta call people the next day and apologize to 'em." - Tom Rhodes on Comedy Central Presents
5.20-21: Tom Rhodes @ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com
Jared Logan is a headlining comedian who has appeared on Comedy Central's The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail, TJ Miller's Mash Up, John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show, as well as in his own half-hour special. He was a series regular on VH1's Best Week Ever and TruTV's World's Dumbest. His debut comedy album, My Brave Battle, was hailed by Vulture as one of the best stand-up specials of the year. Jared currently writes for The Late Late Show with James Corden and is the host of The Secret Masters podcast.
5.26-28: Jared Logan @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"I think it's neat that guys still check out my tits when I'm 7 months pregnant." - Christina Pazsitzky on Twitter
5.27-28: Christina Pazsitzky @ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com