Laughing stock: March stand-up comedy shows

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Brian Posehn, Jacob Sirof and April Macie.

3.2 JACOB SIROF

“Anyone been to a NASCAR event? You won’t see one black guy there, right? Not one. You’re better off trying to find a Mexican in a Crate & Barrel. It’s not gonna happen. You might find a Mexican in a crate or a barrel, but probably not shopping at the Crate & Barrel.”

- Jacob Sirof on Rooftop Comedy

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

3.3-5 DAVE ATTELL

“My nutsack looks like a tent nobody knows how to fold up. It’s everywhere. ... When I die, don’t waste money on a coffin. Just pull my nutsack over my head like a reverse hoodie, and throw me in the ocean.” - Dave Attell on “Conan”

- Dave Attell on “Conan”

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

3.10-11 BRET ERNST

“I’m exhausted from walking around the city with these eyebrows all day. It takes a lot out of you. I actually have to wax them like once every three days or they start growing into a goatee. I don’t know if my mother banged a Muppet in the ‘70s or what, but it is what it is. “

- Bret Ernst on “Comedy Central Presents”

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.comedystore.com

3.10-12 FINESSE MITCHELL

“Black women under the age of 21 shouldn’t be allowed to have black children by themselves. Names like Finesse, La Quay Quay, Plexico. All this bulls*** got to stop sooner or later.”

- Finesse Mitchell on “The Kevin Nealon Show”

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

3.16-18 APRIL MACIE

“Did you guys know that penises own 98 percent of land? The entire world is owned by a dick. Women own less than 2 percent of the land ‘cause we buy dumb s*** like spray tans and eyelash extensions. All my cash is tied up in bronzer currently.”

- April Macie at Gotham Comedy Club

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

3.17-18 SAM TRIPOLI

“I’ve had a weird week. I just found out that my ex-girlfriend got deported. Yeah, it’s crazy how a call to Immigration can give you closure, you know what I’m saying?”

- Sam Tripoli on “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson”

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.comedystore.com

3.18 JAY & SILENT BOB

“I grew up in a pretty gay world - my brother’s gay and he’s been married to a man for 20 years, which is like 60 in straight-people years.”

- Kevin Smith on “Piers Morgan Tonight”

@ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

3.21 MAX ROSENBLUM

“Do you know what my least favorite religion is? Yours.”

- Max Rosenblum on Comedy Time

@ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com

3.23-25 BRIAN POSEHN

“I love Portland so much, but I could not live up here - because I own a purebred dog. Pretty sure they’re illegal. I have rescues too, so don’t be like, ‘You know you should only have rescues.’ I do rescue. My purebred, I rescued her ... from a breeder.”

- Brian Posehn on Posehn 25/2x

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

3.30-4.1 BRYAN CALLEN

“A real man never laughs unless he’s taking a life.”

- Bryan Callen in “Never Grow Up”

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com