Lust See Attractions

Medic-alert your grandmother-Madonna to headline Super Bowl halftime show huddling to the oldies

In keeping with its long-standing tradition of presenting half-time acts that are at least 25 years past their prime, the NFL is foisting the legendary diva Madonna upon us for the big game’s intermission on February 5. The so-called “Material Girl,” who ?rst gained prominence during the ?rst Reagan administration, is currently receiving thrice-daily hormone injections from a 24- year old French dancer, who is not FDA approved.

Always looking ahead, the NFL has already booked Katy Perry for the half-time show in 2045, to be followed by the Jonas Brothers in 2046. The league was hoping to secure Justin Bieber for the 2047 game, but Mr. Bieber is already headlining the continental breakfast alcove at the Bullhead City Comfort Inn that weekend.
This year’s national anthem will be sung by American Idol season one winner Kelly Clarkson, who is expected to provide a well-rounded, full- bodied performance. Ms. Clarkson won’t be the only American Idol alumnus working the game. Season ?ve winner Taylor Hicks will be selling churros in the upper deck; and the ?rst attendee who

Funnyball

Decorum dictates that I veil my suspicions of Brad Pitt’s marital relations, having not witnessed them ?rst-hand (my hidden camera ran out of batteries, dammit), but I suspect both he and his wife could be watching Ellen at the same time, and Brad would be closer to the set.

Phallus in Dallas

There is considerable debate among anthropologists over whether or not Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are of the same species, with the general belief that Lamar is the human. In the absence of DNA testing, we project a sex life consistent with a specimen the size of a power forward-same goes for Lamar. Another debate rages over whether or not Khloe shares the same father as Kim and Kourtney. If she isn’t a biological match, then mother Kris must have dallied with a gigolo of actual wit and intelligence during her marriage to the late O.J. enabler, as Kim and Kourtney’s combined IQs recently topped out at negative 59.

Schwing and a prayer

Denver quarterback Tim Tebow is a devout virgin (and will remain so until marriage, we presume). Because he’s never been caught in the act, picturing him having sex requires imagining his origin. To many believers, particularly in Florida and Colorado, Tebow’s was an Immaculate Conception: the long-awaited “second coming.” However, there is a dissenting faction of academics who contend Tebow was conceived via a conventional biological position consistent with his parents, who were missionaries.

Heavy petting

Not surprisingly, professional quarterback and former canine pugilism promoter Michael Vick was conceived doggie-style. However, the terms of his probation prohibit him from engaging in that particular method himself. Rather, Vick is required to do it PETA-style, which sadly for all concerned, is meatless...and fur-free.

Stick it in your ear

Oscar-winning deaf actress Marlee Matlin, perhaps best known for lip-reading at a party for George Costanza on Seinfeld, is strictly into aural sex. It wasn’t always that way with Ms. Matlin- she had a more conventional sex life until her long-time relationship with a famous actor ended back in the ‘90s, because William Hurt.