Letter Man

By Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph

No matter how long you Google search, no matter how many college professors you ask, no matter how passionately you pray, some questions can be answered by only one man. This man.

Dear Chainsaw, I hate the NFL’s blackout policy. I hope the Chargers don’t have any more blackouts this year. I can’t afford to go to the games or I would. I’m afraid out of sight might become out of mind. Go Bolts!
-Typical North Park

Dear Ty, Do you have a computer? Places like show blacked-out games, and a USB cord can portal the image onto your flat-screen. The main priority is to avoid sites that require personal information, such as www.NFLlivestreamingifyou giveusyourSSNandbankaccount I’d hate to see your life savings wiped out because you simply had to watch the Arizona Cardinals suck.

Dear Chainsaw, I’m deeply disappointed by the Padres’ finish, but so very proud of their season. How can I resolve these conflicting feelings?
-Di Chotomy Mission Beach

Dear Di, This can’t be a new issue for you. The Padres have played 42 seasons and never won a World Series. That they over-achieved this year was a wonderful thing. Focus on the joy the Padres gave you with their Ecksteinian esprit de corps. And then, right before you drift off to sleep, focus on two losses during the season they coulda-shoulda won.

Di, what you’re experiencing is part of being a fan-the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. It means you are engaged, you care deeply, you live life passionately. After all, despite all the joyful triumphs in one’s life, who among us doesn’t lament the shot that didn’t go in, the perfect come-back line thought a moment too late, or that SUPERMODEL-CALIBER BABE THAT WAS ALL OVER YOU AND YOU DIDN’T DO A THING ABOU-sorry, I lost the time there for a second. Next question, please.

Dear Chainsaw, I’ve been a die-hard Aztecs fan since the Marshall Faulk years and, after all these years of mediocrity, I think Brady Hoke is the second coming of Don Coryell. How come they can’t fill Qualcomm?
-Monty Zuma La Mesa

Dear Monty, Same old story: The economy, the stadium’s too big, it’s off campus, the students don’t care, tradition is weak, the program is bleeding money and raising tuitions, they’re in a mid- major conference in a sport that tilts heavy towards the East Coast because of SportsCenter, blah, blah, blah. All the same, it’s the best bargain in town and, as long as Brady Hoke is coaching, it’s worth every penny for a football fan. Go Aztecs! (As a parent who funded his son’s SDSU education, I hope that last shout-out finally scores me a souvenir, because the only thing I have so far is an Aztecs windbreaker I bought when I underdressed at a BYU game a few years ago. It’s pretty sweet though; goes with anything red or black).

Dear Chainsaw, I’ve never heard you on the radio, but I listen to a lot of the other shows, especially PBS, which is great. You should get on there. One of my friends listens to you (I think), but the rest don’t. Anyway, can you get me on one of PacificSD’s blind dates?
-Lou Zuhr Kensington

Dear Lou, That’s always a great opener, Lou-telling someone how much you love his competition. The other day I went into a Toyota dealership just to remind them how much I love Hondas. My words were like magic-they couldn’t wait to do things for me after that.

Dear Chainsaw, I was surprised to hear Tiger Woods’ half-brother, Earl Woods, Jr., speak out against Tiger on a Phoenix TV station. Surprised mostly that Tiger HAD a half-brother. Earl Jr. said papa Earl would have been disappointed in Tiger for his sex scandal. Don’t the words “half-brother” begin making you think that Earl’s wandering eye (he cheated on Tiger’s mother) was a big influence on Tiger, thus any disappointment in Tiger would be hypocritical?
-Reed Ichulis Point Loma

Dear Reed, Not all sons mimic their fathers. Chastity Bono, for example. In any event, Earl Jr. joins Billy Carter, Bubba Clinton, Randy Quaid, Freddy Corleone, Gomer Sinatra and Jimmy Christ on the A-list of less-gifted brothers.

Hey, Chainsaw, I’ve decided to quit hunting because the last time I went, I accidently shot my friend. At the hospital, I asked the doctor if my friend would be okay, and the doc said, “He would have been if you hadn’t gutted him.” What should I do now with all my spare time?
-Stu Pidasso Otay Mesa Correctional Facility

Dear Stu, Keep a firm grip on the soap.