"How many calories is Xanax? Trying to keep track of my intake."
-Carly Aquilino on Twitter
12/3-5: Carly Aquilino
12/3-5: Carly Aquilino@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"Whenever I put sunscreen on my bald spot I am reminded that my youth is over."
-Tom Rhodes on Twitter
12/4-5: Tom Rhodes
12/4-5: Tom Rhodes@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com
"I'm having a great year. I made so much this year, I think I might even file taxes."
-Kristin Key on Last Comic Standing
12/4-5: Kristin Key
12/4-5: Kristin Key@ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com
"My fear of camping: I'm convinced bugs will crawl up my vagina and lay eggs. Isn't everyone?"
- Kathy Griffin in Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin
12/5: Kathy Griffin
12/5: Kathy Griffin@ Pala Casino, palacasino.com
"I read in the paper that Viagra now has a pill they call 'The Weekender,' because its effects last 36 hours. Dear God. Thirty-six hours? I'm thrilled if it lasts three-to-six minutes. Let me tell you something, 36 hours - you're not making love at that point, you're a circus freak."
-Bill Engvall on Here's Your Sign
12/5: Bill Engvall
12/5: Bill Engvall@ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com
"You get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, 'cause no matter how I look at you, it's the wrong way."
-Shaun Latham on Gabriel Iglesias Presents: Stand-Up Revolution
12/6: Shaun Latham
12/6: Shaun Latham@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"Hey, let's pop some Viagras and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners."
- Kevin Heffernan as Farva in Super Troopers
12/10-13: Broken Lizard
12/10-13: Broken Lizard@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"I remember waiting tables, which, by the way, is the worst job, ever. You know your job sucks if you get mad when people just come in."
-Bret Ernst on Comedy Central Presents
12/11-12: Bret Ernst @
12/11-12: Bret Ernst @The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com
"I do have a gay cat. I haven't caught him doing anything bad, but when I take a shower, he purrs and he rolls around in my underwears. That's a f***in' problem, right there."
-Joey Diaz on Gabriel Iglesias Presents: Stand-Up Revolution
12/17: Joey Diaz
12/17: Joey Diaz@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"I'm more worried about what my Uber driver thinks of me than I am about what my loved ones do. #UberRating."
-Michael McDonald on Twitter
12/18-19: Michael McDonald
12/18-19: Michael McDonald@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"During the act of love-making, I will actually warn the woman when I'm about ready to wrap it up. I think that's a very sweet gesture. I'll whisper something romantic in her ear, like, 'T-MINUS TEN SECONDS! NINE! EIGHT! OOPS!'"
-Doug Benson on Premium Blend
12/27: Doug Benson
12/27: Doug Benson@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"I got a problem with my hair, though; it's jumpin' ship quick. It's a disaster. I'm
taking my Propecia and... nothing. It gets wet, it looks like a piece of lettuce, okay? That's not how you get girls."
-Bryan Callen on Live at Gotham
12/31: Bryan Callen
12/31: Bryan Callen@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com