Laughing Stock

"How many calories is Xanax? Trying to keep track of my intake."

-Carly Aquilino on Twitter

12/3-5: Carly Aquilino

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"Whenever I put sunscreen on my bald spot I am reminded that my youth is over."

-Tom Rhodes on Twitter

12/4-5: Tom Rhodes

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com

"I'm having a great year. I made so much this year, I think I might even file taxes."

-Kristin Key on Last Comic Standing

12/4-5: Kristin Key

@ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com

"My fear of camping: I'm convinced bugs will crawl up my vagina and lay eggs. Isn't everyone?"

- Kathy Griffin in Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

12/5: Kathy Griffin

@ Pala Casino, palacasino.com

"I read in the paper that Viagra now has a pill they call 'The Weekender,' because its effects last 36 hours. Dear God. Thirty-six hours? I'm thrilled if it lasts three-to-six minutes. Let me tell you something, 36 hours - you're not making love at that point, you're a circus freak."

-Bill Engvall on Here's Your Sign

12/5: Bill Engvall

@ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com

"You get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, 'cause no matter how I look at you, it's the wrong way."

-Shaun Latham on Gabriel Iglesias Presents: Stand-Up Revolution

12/6: Shaun Latham

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"Hey, let's pop some Viagras and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners."

- Kevin Heffernan as Farva in Super Troopers

12/10-13: Broken Lizard

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I remember waiting tables, which, by the way, is the worst job, ever. You know your job sucks if you get mad when people just come in."

-Bret Ernst on Comedy Central Presents

12/11-12: Bret Ernst @

The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com

"I do have a gay cat. I haven't caught him doing anything bad, but when I take a shower, he purrs and he rolls around in my underwears. That's a f***in' problem, right there."

-Joey Diaz on Gabriel Iglesias Presents: Stand-Up Revolution

12/17: Joey Diaz

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I'm more worried about what my Uber driver thinks of me than I am about what my loved ones do. #UberRating."

-Michael McDonald on Twitter

12/18-19: Michael McDonald

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"During the act of love-making, I will actually warn the woman when I'm about ready to wrap it up. I think that's a very sweet gesture. I'll whisper something romantic in her ear, like, 'T-MINUS TEN SECONDS! NINE! EIGHT! OOPS!'"

-Doug Benson on Premium Blend

12/27: Doug Benson

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I got a problem with my hair, though; it's jumpin' ship quick. It's a disaster. I'm

taking my Propecia and... nothing. It gets wet, it looks like a piece of lettuce, okay? That's not how you get girls."

-Bryan Callen on Live at Gotham

12/31: Bryan Callen

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

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