Laughing Stock

“How many calories is Xanax? Trying to keep track of my intake.”

-Carly Aquilino on Twitter

12/3-5: Carly Aquilino

@ American Comedy Co.,

“Whenever I put sunscreen on my bald spot I am reminded that my youth is over.”

-Tom Rhodes on Twitter

12/4-5: Tom Rhodes

@ The Comedy Store,

“I’m having a great year. I made so much this year, I think I might even file taxes.”

-Kristin Key on Last Comic Standing

12/4-5: Kristin Key

@ The Comedy Palace,

“My fear of camping: I’m convinced bugs will crawl up my vagina and lay eggs. Isn’t everyone?”

- Kathy Griffin in Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

12/5: Kathy Griffin

@ Pala Casino,

“I read in the paper that Viagra now has a pill they call ‘The Weekender,’ because its effects last 36 hours. Dear God. Thirty-six hours? I’m thrilled if it lasts three-to-six minutes. Let me tell you something, 36 hours - you’re not making love at that point, you’re a circus freak.”

-Bill Engvall on Here’s Your Sign

12/5: Bill Engvall

@ Sycuan Casino,

“You get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, ‘cause no matter how I look at you, it’s the wrong way.”

-Shaun Latham on Gabriel Iglesias Presents: Stand-Up Revolution

12/6: Shaun Latham

@ American Comedy Co.,

“Hey, let’s pop some Viagras and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners.”

- Kevin Heffernan as Farva in Super Troopers

12/10-13: Broken Lizard

@ American Comedy Co.,

“I remember waiting tables, which, by the way, is the worst job, ever. You know your job sucks if you get mad when people just come in.”

-Bret Ernst on Comedy Central Presents

12/11-12: Bret Ernst @

The Comedy Store,

“I do have a gay cat. I haven’t caught him doing anything bad, but when I take a shower, he purrs and he rolls around in my underwears. That’s a f***in’ problem, right there.”

-Joey Diaz on Gabriel Iglesias Presents: Stand-Up Revolution

12/17: Joey Diaz

@ American Comedy Co.,

“I’m more worried about what my Uber driver thinks of me than I am about what my loved ones do. #UberRating.”

-Michael McDonald on Twitter

12/18-19: Michael McDonald

@ American Comedy Co.,

“During the act of love-making, I will actually warn the woman when I’m about ready to wrap it up. I think that’s a very sweet gesture. I’ll whisper something romantic in her ear, like, ‘T-MINUS TEN SECONDS! NINE! EIGHT! OOPS!’”

-Doug Benson on Premium Blend

12/27: Doug Benson

@ American Comedy Co.,

“I got a problem with my hair, though; it’s jumpin’ ship quick. It’s a disaster. I’m

taking my Propecia and... nothing. It gets wet, it looks like a piece of lettuce, okay? That’s not how you get girls.”

-Bryan Callen on Live at Gotham

12/31: Bryan Callen

@ American Comedy Co.,