By Catlin Dorset
"No one admits to going to McDonald's. They sell six billion hamburgers a day, and there are only 300 million people in this country. I'm not a calculus teacher, but I think everyone's lying." - Jim Gaffigan
7/6: Jim Gaffigan @ Humphrey's Concerts By The Bay, humphreysconcerts.com
This regular on The Late Show with David Letterman just released Dad is Fat, a book about raising his five children.
"Maybe your job sucks, you had a bad day at work. Maybe your girlfriend broke up with you. But then you come home and you watch Hoarders and you're like, 'At least I don't have 10 dead cats under the sink.'"- Randy Sklar (or his twin brother)
7/11-13: The Sklar Brothers @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com
Identical twins Randy and Jason Sklar have made regular TV appearances on Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, to name a few.
"So [my wife and i] have this mixed-race baby. You gotta get a mixed-race baby, man. You gotta get one. That's the next thing. That's bigger than the iPad." - W. Kamau Bell on Conan
7/19: W. Kamau Bell @ House of Blues, hob.com
Kamau Bell hosts a late-night television comedy series on FX called Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell.
"You smoke a cigarette and all you feel is dead. You smoke weed, and all the sudden you're like, 'I think I can get stuff done... or watch a lot of TV.'" - Kevin Smith on The Tonight show
7/19: Kevin Smith @ House of Blues, hob.com
The Clerks star/writer/director appears regularly on talk radio, produces a weekly podcast and is the mute half of comedy duo Jay and silent Bob.
"They say, if you want to know what a girl's gonna look like, look at her mother. so I'm so glad I broke up with her, because she would have been, you know... dead." - Bo Burnham
7/19: Bo Burnham @Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org
The satire singer and comedian was a YouTube sensation before becoming the youngest comedian ever to have his own Comedy Central special (he was 18 at the time).
"At a young age, I found girls that were just like me. We were all whores. Just little drunks running around. But in every group of girls, there's always one that's the sluttiest. If you don't have that friend, you're that friend. Let's be real." - Amy Schumer
7/19: Amy Schumer @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org
Los Angeles Times called her one of the "13 Faces to Watch in 2013." Now, Amy Schumer's hosting a weekly show on Comedy Central show, Inside Amy Schumer.
"Yes, i'm seeing Fast & Furious 6 this weekend. Gonna buy two tickets. My boner needs his own seat."- Brian Posehn
7/19-20: Brian Posehn @The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com
Sarah Silverman's former gay neighbor on The Sarah Silverman Program just released his latest comedy CD and first DVD, The Fartist.
"Sex shouldn't result in pregnancy; it just shouldn't. If we were perfect beings, sex would have two functions: for pleasure and to complicate friendships, and that is it." - Chris Hardwick
7/20: Chris Hardwick @Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org
This Chelsea Lately regular hosts AMC's Talking Dead, a live half-hour discussion and recap of the preceding show, The Walking Dead.
"I do dates really well for the most part, because I play up the black half - because, honestly, that's the only half of me that's going to get laid. So I'm gonna play that up. So, I'll just be on a date like, 'Yo, wassup, girl, how you doin? Ya, I'm sorry I'm late gurl, but ya' know, I'm black, so..." - Jordan Peele of Key and Peele
7/20: Key and Peele @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org
These former MADtv funnymen have their own Comedy Central show, Key & Peele.
"I said to a guy, 'What is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?' The guy said, 'Well, it intensifies your personality.' And I said, 'Yes, but what if you're an asshole?'"- Bill Cosby
7/21: Bill Cosby @ Humphrey's Concerts By The Bay, humphreysconcerts.com
After a 30-year run, the Playboy Jazz Festival host hands over the reigns to George Lopez this summer.
"Why am I going to be jealous? Like, a lot of these men out here, they get mad if you want to buy their girlfriend a drink. What? Do you know how expensive alcohol is?"- DeRay Davis
7/25-28: DeRay Davis @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com
This comedian-turned-actor has appeared in many films, most recently in the 2012 remake of 21 Jump Street and this year's G.I. Joe: Retaliation.
"If the immigration law passed, they say that 1.2 million Mexicans would have to go back to Mexico. One-point-two? That's seven quinceañeras. That ain't shit."- George Lopez
7/27: George Lopez @ Sycuan Casino Live & Up Close, sycuan.ticketsunplugged.com
Named one of the "25 Most Influential Hispanics in America" by Time magazine, George Lopez created The Lopez Foundation to support underprivileged youth and adults.