"I stopped smoking reefer 'cause I started thinking... if great men throughout history had've smoked reefer, no tellin' what would have happened. If somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had've smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, 'I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.'"
- David Alan Grier on The Book of David: The Cult Figure's Manifesto starring David Alan Grier
2.5-6: David Alan Grier @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"If romance novel covers have taught me anything... it's that women love a guy who unbuttons the top half of his dress shirts."
- Joe Machi on Twitter
2.11-14: Joe Machi @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"I just saw a hot guy in a smart car. That's like seeing a hot guy in a relationship. I wanna ride, but it's not worth the potential damage."
- Jessimae Peluso on Twitter
2.18-20: Jessimae Peluso @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
"I blew out my knee, which is surprising, because I'm not good at blowing anything."
- Paula Bel on Twitter
2.19-20: Paula Bel @ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com
"I didn't win the Powerball 900 million dollars. I had plans for the money: I was going to help the poor and build a fence around Donald Trump."
- Paul Rodriguez on Twitter
2.20: Paul Rodriguez @ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com
"Like, putting a pill in a girl's drink is no laughing matter. However, where's the pill that makes women stop telling long, pointless stories?"
- Chingo Bling on Twitter
2.22-23: Chingo Bling @ Mad house Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com
"Pineapple tastes better in Hawaii. Guinness tastes better in Ireland. The Kardashians are terrible everywhere. #poolsidethoughts"
- Adam Ray on Twitter
2.25: Adam Ray @ Music Box, musicboxsd.com
"I've got to lay off the dairy. That's what my doctor threw in as I was leaving his office. 'Oh, and lay off dairy.' I'm like, what the... what kind of blanket sweep is that? 'Lay off dairy!' He should have just said, 'And no more happiness!'"
- Brian Regan on Brian Regan: Standing Up
2.27: Brian Regan @ Pechanga Resort & Casino, pechanga.com