January Comedy Shows

“Charlie sheen is HIV positive. That’s it? What else? That can’t be all.” - Steve Trevino on Twitter
1.1-2: Steve Trevino @ The Comedy Store La Jolla, thecomedystore.com

“I accidentally hit Shazam while I was taking a shit, and it told me I was listening to Kanye West.” - Colin Kane on Twitter
1.1-3: Colin Kane @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Let’s redo marriage. Let’s make it difficult to get married, easy to be divorced. Let’s make it difficult. You gotta pay money upfront, you gotta pay a fine, you gotta pay money. ‘How much you love her? It’s gonna cost you $20,000.’ ‘Whoaaa, wait.’” - Sinbad on Make Me Wanna Holla
1.7: Sinbad @ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com

“When I became 38, I became a hardcore stoner. Slowly, over the course of, like, many hours.” - Kevin Smith on Too Fat for 40!
1.7-8: Kevin Smith @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Kim Kardashian’s baby came out early. He couldn’t stand being inside her for nine months.” - Adam Hunter on Twitter
1.13 Adam Hunter @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“I like when I drink and blackout, because the next day I always feel like I’m in my own CSI episode, you know, looking for clues everywhere I go. ‘What the... Taco Bell.... Mountain Dew... Who the hell is that?’” - Cristela Alonzo on The Half Hour
1.14-16 Cristela Alonzo @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Did you know that actually - this is true - this area of Colorado, right around here in Boulder, has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado? Did you know that? It’s true, I read it on Wikipedia. I mean, I put it in there, but I read it right afterwards.” - T.J. Miller on T.J. Miller: No Real Reason
1.9-10: T.J. Miller @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Now this means, to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” - Jerry Seinfeld on Seinfeld
1.15: Jerry Seinfeld @ Civic Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“In the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you wanna know why? Because you can’t sell an airplane. You tell me what a brother’s supposed to do with an airplane.” - Alonzo Bodden on Comedy Central Stand-Up
1.28: Alonzo Bodden @ Music Box, musicboxsd.com

“George [Takei], I had no idea they’d be so rough on you tonight. They really ripped you a new one. I’m sure you’ll find use for it, though.” - William Shatner on Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner
1.28: William Shatner @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“I think the computer is an awesome tool, and the phone is a tool. And if you’re on the phone all the time, you’re a tool as well.” - Greg Proops at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
1.28-30: Greg Proops @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“How many rails of melatonin do I need to do before this shit kicks in?” - Bridget Everett on Twitter
1.31: Bridget Everett @ House of Blues, hob.com