March Comedy Shows

“Lactose intolerant milk, kiss my d**k. If you’re lactose intolerant, you can’t drink milk. So what’s in the f**king carton?” - Lewis Black on Black on Broadway
3.3: Lewis Black @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org
3.4: Lewis Black @ Pechanga Resort & Casino, pechanga.com

“[A hypnotist] put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. Very embarrassing right after sex, I’ll tell you that. Find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them, you know.” - Norm Macdonald on The A-List
3.3-5: Norm MacDonald @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Times have really changed. How did we go from ‘Ohhh girl, I’d be in trouble if I left you now’ to ‘I was gettin’ some head, I was gettin’ some head’? My grandmother is 80-somethin’-years- old; she don’t know what ‘head’ means.” - Mike Epps on Under Rated and Never Faded
3.6: Mike Epps @ Casino Pauma, casinopauma.com

“I wanted a daddy, but my momma felt like she could handle both roles. She’d be like, ‘I’m ya momma and ya daddy.’ But that’s too much pressure, you know? You go to her and be like, ‘Mom, you got a dollar?’ she be like, ‘Boy, I ain’t got no damn money.’ You be like, ‘What about daddy, then?’” - Rod Man on That Good Funny, Vol. 1
3.10-12: Rod Man @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Kim and Kanye ... the big ass who married the bigger ass.” -Peanut, aka Jeff Dunham, on Unhinged in Hollywood
3.12: Jeff Dunham @ Viejas Arena, as.sdsu.edu

“Guns aren’t the problem. It takes a finger to pull a trigger. #banfingersusa” - Sean Cullen on Twitter
3.17-19: Sean Cullen @ American Comedy Co.

“This asshole behind me just asked for sugar-free syrup for his pancakes. The thing you’re eating has ‘cake’ in the name, bro.” - Andrew Santino on Twitter
3.18-19: Andrew Santino @ The Comedy Store La Jolla, thecomedystore.com

“They are introducing female Viagra. I didn’t know there was anything on me that should be standing up.” - Rita Rudner on Twitter
3.19: Rita Rudner @ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com

“I love Jesus. Yes, I do. But I will punch a ho... If you wanna say some curse words at me, say some curse words. I don’t even care. But if you are right here in my face, like if our eyelashes is braided together, I will cut you... in the name of Jesus.” - Anjelah Johnson on Not Fancy
3.19: Anjelah Johnson @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com

“If you don’t think our legal system is f’d up, talk to an 18-year-old for 5 min, and stop and comprehend that it’s legal to have sex with it.” - Tamer Kattan on Twitter
3.25-26: Tamer Kattan @ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com

“HIV sounded a lot cooler when Charlie was calling it Tiger Blood. #charliesheen #AIDSTiger” - Dan Cummins on Twitter
3.25-26: Dan Cummins @ The Comedy Store La Jolla, thecomedystore.com