Laughing Stock

Compiled by Megan Looney

“If you hate gay people as a straight person, you should probably stop having sex, because it’s straight people that make gay people. Gay people can’t make gay people. Look it up.” -Ralphie May on Comedy Central Stand-Up
4/3 Ralphie May @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“People assume, because I’m Asian, I know martial arts. I don’t. I pretend to. Then they call my bluff, I get hit and I run like a Haitian.” -Steve Byrne on Happy Hour
4/2-4: Steve Byrne @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Guys, you’re like cats - you’re aloof and emotionally unavailable. Women are exactly like dogs. We’re exaxctly like dogs. We’re like, ‘Hey! Where ya’ goin’? Where ya’ goin’? Where ya’ goin’? Where ya’ goin’? Where ya’ goin’? Where ya’ goin’? Where ya’ goin’? Can I go? Can I go? Can I go? Can I go? I’m gonna wait right here. I’m gonna wait right here. I’m gonna wait right here. I’m gonna wait right here. Shoes!’” -Jodi Miller on America’s Got Talent
4/3-4: Jodi Miller @ The Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

“If you’re not leaving the house thinking ‘someone is going to suck my d*ck today,’ just stay at home and watch soap operas. That’s your best bet.” -Joey Diaz on Twitter
4/10-11: Joey Diaz @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“You tattoo your face, you’re basically saying, ‘Hey world, I’m going to go ahead and exchange any and all possibilities of normal human interaction for the gift of instilling paralyzing fear in anyone that looks in my direction.’ Now, that might sound like a pisspoor trade off to you, but how ‘bout I stab you in the throat because I don’t really care because I’m completely insane, and that’s why I have a crying clown tattooed on my face.” -Tom Segura on Conan
4/12: Tom Segura @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Just tried tomato juice for the very first time without vodka in it. Now I know why I always put vodka in it.” -Josh Wolf on Twitter
4/16-18: Josh Wolf @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“I’m intelligent. I wash my face with Smart Water; I bathe in Smart Water.” -Brody Stevens at The Laugh Factory
4/17-18: Brody Stevens @ The Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

“Everybody knows what pollen is, but do you ever think of it for what it truly is? Vegetable sperm... a lot of y’all is kinda shocked right now to find out you’ve been taking it to the face your entire life. “ -Charlie Murphy on Lopez Tonight
4/23-26: Charlie Murphy @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“I’ve seen a lot of movies take place [in Asia]. In my head, I think all the houses are made of bamboo and Kleenex - you can’t wear shoes, there’s still a big ninja problem going on. Like we have roaches, they have ninjas.” -Big Jay Oakerson on Comedy Central Stand-Up
4/30-5/2: Big Jay Oakerson @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com