Laughing Stock

“Dicks and vaginas are like Coke and Pepsi. I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same.” -Bo Burnham at the Rialto Theatre
3/1: Bo Burnham @ Balboa Theatre,
sandiegotheatres.org

“Percentage wise, it is 100-percent easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them, especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.” -John Mulaney on New in Town
3/5: John Mulaney @ Balboa Theatre,
sandiegotheatres.org

“Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.” - Natasha Leggero on Comedy Central Presents
3/5-7: Natasha Leggero @ American Comedy Co.,
americancomedyco.com

“I’m scared to pee in the bathroom if there’s a fly in there. Like, if there’s an active fly in the bathroom and it’s moving around a lot, I will abort mission every time, ‘cause I don’t want it landing on my penis. I don’t want that happening. Have you ever just watched a fly when it lands? Have you ever just watched a fly? They always do something with their hands as soon as they land. What is that? Whatever that is, I don’t want it happening on my penis.” -Tony Baker on Mal Hal and Groovy Like a Movie Present
3/6-7: Tony Baker @ The Comedy Store,
thecomedystore.com

“But you know who was out working in the blizzard? The crack whores. Seriously, I went walking around - people don’t think about how hard of a job that is. I would be the worst crack whore in the cold ever. I’d be like, ‘It’s free, just let me in the truck. I’m so cold, I don’t even want crack anymore, just a cigarette; that’s all I want.’” -Kathleen Madigan on Shorties Watchin’ Shorties
3/6: Kathleen Madigan @ California Center for the Arts,
artcenter.org

“I’m sort of having a handsome as f**k day, guys. I looked in the mirror today and I was like, ‘Very f**kable.’ This is about as good looking as I get, though; I have some real homely days.” -Adam DeVine at the South Beach Comedy Festival
3/7: Adam Devine @ House of Blues,
houseofblues.com

“So I’ve heard every stereotypical joke you can hear about being half black and half Asian. Like, a person stopped me and was like, ‘Yo, you realize you’re the only guy who can steal a car and wreck it on the way home?’” - Michael Yo at the Improv Comedy Club
3/19: Michael Yo @ American Comedy Co.,
americancomedyco.com

“Blacking out is my spirit animal.” -Andrew Santino on Twitter
3/20-21: Andrew Santino @ The Comedy Store,
thecomedystore.com

“We’re ready for a real black President, someone like Jay Z. Obama’s fine, just not all black. He’s our gateway Negro.” -Christopher Titus on Comedy Central Stand-Up
3/20-22: Christopher Titus @ American Comedy Co.,
americancomedyco.com

“Let me tell you about my favorite state slogans in the world. Did you know that New Hampshire has theirs at the border? You drive across the border of New Hampshire, and it says ‘New Hampshire, Live Free or Die.’ I’m like, ‘Really? What about visit? Can I visit? Is that cool?’” -Brian Moote at Gotham Comedy Club
3/27-28: Brian Moote @ The Comedy Palace,
thecomedypalace.com

“You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I’m drunk, I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.” -Amy Schumer on Comedy Central Presents
3/29: Amy Schumer @ Pechanga Resort & Casino,
pechanga.com