Laughing Stock

"If you're edged 'cause I'm weazin' all your grindage, just chill. 'Cause if I had the whole Brady Bunch thing happenin' at my pad, I'd go grind over there. So don't tax my gig so hard-core, cruster."

-Pauly Shore in Encino Man


2/13-14: Pauly Shore @ The Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

"My parents are just as happy as any old white people I've ever run into, but I don't think I could do an arranged marriage. I talked to my dad about his experience, and he was like, 'Well, I met your mom, and a week later we got married.' I was like, 'Whoa. How long did you talk to her for?' He was like, 'Thirty m

inutes.' Thirty minutes?! Like an episode of

How I Met Your Mother

?"

-Aziz Ansari o

n Buried Alive
2/6: Aziz Ansari @ Valley View Casino Center, valleyviewcasinocenter.com

"I'm a grown-ass man. If I'm even a little hungry, I'll go to a friggin' Carvel and buy an ice cream cake, just for a nibble, smear the rest on my face like a geisha and throw the remainder at a homeless perso

n. Do you understand? I write my own rules. I take DayQuil at night. Do you get it?"

-Pete Holmes on

Comedy Central Presents

2/6-7: Pete Holmes @ American Comedy Co.americancomedyco.com

"When you have a

fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults."

-Demetri Martin on

Comedy Central Presents

2/13: Demetri Martin @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

"Out of all of them, the funniest Wayans, to me, is my grandma. I love her to death, but she's terrible with technology. She just got this new phone, and, you know, old people just don't get it. She acciden

tally sent me a naked picture of herself the other day, and I was like, 'Grandma, first of all, who are you sending that to? And, second of all, you look like a corduroy jacket with nipples. You need a steamer, Granny!'"

-Damon Wayans Jr. on

Lopez Tonight
2/14: Damon Wayans and Damon Wayans Jr. @ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com

"Someone s

hould open a bakery called 'Yeast Confections.' Nobody will go there, and it'll go out of business, but it would be marginally funny."

-Trevor Moore on

Twitter
2/19-22: Trevor Moore @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I go to the movies with my buddy a couple days ago, right. I sit down; he sits two seats over. I look over at him, and say, 'Hey, what are you doing over there?' Oh, I ain't sitting next to you - that's gay. 'I sat next to you

on the car ride over; is that gay? What's gay, is your Miata we rode here in, dude... two-seat gay machine.'

"

-Dean Delray at th

e Laugh Factory
2/20-21: Dean Delray @ The Comedy Storelajolla.thecomedystore.com

"I love my son the same way that I love cigarettes. I like to hold him for five minutes every hour, and the rest of the tim

e I'm thinking about how he's f***ing killing me."

-Jim Jefferies on Fu

lly Functional
2/21: Jim Jefferies @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com

"Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like, 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'"

-Craig Ferguson o

n A Wee Bit O' Revolution
2/22: Craig Ferguson @ Pechanga Resort & Casino, pechanga.com

"I miss third grade, because you could kill people in dodge ball. Remember the rules to dodge ball? If you're fat or

have glasses, don't show up, because you'll die."

-

Jay Mohr

on

C

omedy Central Stand-Up
2/26-3/1: Jay Mohr @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

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