Laughing Stock

“I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico, so it was cool growing up with him, ‘cause when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.” -Felipe Esparza on Premium Blend
1/2-4: Felipe Esparza @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“A blog’s just a diary or a journal. We used to hide that thing; now we post it. If Anne Frank had been alive today, they’d have caught her immediately. ‘Still hiding in the attic at this address. LOL.’” -Mo Mandel on Comedy Central Presents
1/2-4: Mo Mandel @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“My mom had me when she was 15, so I know the younger the mama, the more jacked up your name will be.” -Finesse Mitchell on Comedy Central Presents
1/8-10: Finesse Mitchell @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“He left the seat up because he loves you. Women don’t even understand that. If the seat is up, that means I didn’t pee on it. That’s the best gift I can give you. If the seat is up, that means it’s safe for you to sit down. If you ever walk in the bathroom and that seat is down, don’t you trust it. You might stick.” -Sinbad in Where You Been?
1/9: Sinbad @ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com

“I’ve got separation issues. My parents are broken up and I can’t stand when men leave me. This guy was leaving me the other morning and I was like, ‘Where are you going? Why are you leaving? I’ll make a frittata. Tell me what I did wrong! I can fix this.’ You know what he said? He said, ‘Ma’am, I put your cable in. Do you need a router? I gotta go.’” -Jessimae Peluso at the Broadway Comedy Club
1/15-17: Jessimae Peluso @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“I don’t know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy 50 bucks worth of malt liquor and hide it in the park.” -Dan Cummins on Live at Gotham
1/23-24: Dan Cummins @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“It’s tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can’t tell tonight, though, ‘cause I comb them forward.” -Kevin Nealon on Comedy Central Presents
1/23-25: Kevin Nealon @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“I saw an ad on the back of a moving bus the other day for laser eye surgery. It said, ‘$999.’ And then, in fine print at the bottom, which is messed up if you have bad eyes, it said, ‘per eye.’ Who is getting correct laser vision surgery one eye at a time? Pirates?” -Ben Gleib at the Hollywood Improv
1/29-31: Ben Gleib @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com