Laughing Stock

"My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' I told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'" -Alfred Robles on Gabriel Iglesias Presents Stand-Up Revolution
12/4: Alfred Robles @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

"I hate Texas because everyone refers to how small I am over there. 'How ya doin' there, little fella? Look, honey, it's one of them Pokemons! Let's take him home and put him on the mantel.'" -Bobby Lee on Comedy Central's Premium Blend
12/4-6: Bobby Lee @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I'm from a little town in North Carolina called 'Hickory.' Hickory actually sits at the bottom of the Appalachian Mountains, so, like, even hillbillies look down on us. They're like, 'Look at 'em down there, brushing their tooth.'" -John Reep on Comedy Central Presents
12/5-6: John Reep @ The Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

"When you don't drink, people always need to know why. They're like, 'You don't drink? Why?' This never happens with anything else. 'You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise?'" -Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Central Presents
12/6: Jim Gaffigan @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com

"My eye doctor told me this, I'm not making this up. He goes, 'You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?' No, I didn't know that. He goes, 'It's no big deal; it doesn't affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.'" -Brian Regan on Comedy Central Presents
12/6: Brian Regan @ Pechanga Resort & Casino, pechanga.com

"If you're a woman and you get breast reduction, you need to donate those boobs. There are flat women out there, right now, who actually have to think of clever things to say in conversation." -Andrew Norelli on Comedy Central's Live at Gotham
12/7: Andrew Norelli @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

"Ain't nothing like a woman who almost came. She's very angry; very angry. But ladies, y'all don't understand. We don't mean to f**k up, we just don't know y'all bodies like that. Sometimes you down there, you can't hear very well, your ears are muffled. And you ever do this - you think you heard your girl say some sh*t to you so you pop your head up at the wrong time and say, 'Huh?' And she be like, 'I didn't say sh*t to you! Is your name Jesus? I was so close, asshole.'"
-Bill Bellamy on Back to My Roots
12/11-14: Bill Bellamy @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I hate the Right-Wing jerkoffs that always say stupid stuff, like, 'People choose to be gay.' First off, no, they don't. They're born that way. I got a gay older brother. That bitch was different from day one. My brother flew out of the womb. He's like, 'This placenta's disgusting. I'm never going back in there.' And he didn't; he kept his word." -Bret Ernst on Comedy Central Presents
12/12-13: Bret Ernst @ The Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

"Slept like a baby last night. I woke up every two hours screaming in the dark and then I sh*t my pants and almost died for, like, no reason whatsoever." -Kurt Braunohler on John Oliver's New York Stand-up Show
12/18-20: Kurt Braunohler @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"There is good news about a minivan. I'm telling you, you never get pulled over in a minivan. You could have a hooker strapped to your hood, doing Mach five - the cops'll go, 'Eh, let him go. He's suffered enough, for god's sake.'" -Craig Shoemaker on Comedy Central Presents
12/19-20: Craig Shoemaker @ Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com

"Ladies, you know how much you can get for your eggs? Fifteen thousand dollars. I don't know why any of you are working. They're hard to get to, but once you do, each one's like an Easter egg filled with cash. But they base it on beauty, intelligence and athleticism, so don't think you're all going to go get fifteen grand... Some of you might have scrambled eggs or huevos rancheros. We're not saying they're all Faberge or Cadbury." -Kirk Fox on John Oliver's New York Stand-up Show
12/19-20: Kirk Fox @ The Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com 

"I wish friends with benefits was a guy you slept with who gave you health insurance with a low deductible." -April Macie on Twitter
12/26-27: April Macie @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

"I lost my cell phone... and that is nerve wracking. You ever lose a cell phone? It's like losing a child - or not exactly. It's like losing a child who had memorized all the names and numbers of all your friends and family. It's like losing an autistic child." -Myq Kaplan on Comedy Central Presents
12/26-28: Myq Kaplan @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I'm the level of celebrity where groups of guys at airports will kind of look over at me and whisper to each other and then kind of look back over. And I'm not sure if they recognize me, or they want to gang rape me in the men's room. Either way, I'm flattered." -T.J. Miller on No Real Reason
12/31: T.J. Miller @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"I have a situation in my apartment right now: I have a surplus of pickle juice in my apartment. There's too much pickle juice 'cause after the pickles are gone, I don't like throwing out the pickle juice. It just feels wasteful. So, lately I've been dipping my fingers in the pickle juice and I flick it on my sandwiches for flavor. How many flicks does it take to flavor a ham sandwich? I say between seven and eleven, depending on how big your fingers are and how long you leave them immersed in the pickle juice." -Hannibal Buress on Late Show with David Letterman
12/31: Hannibal Buress @ San Diego Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

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