Laughing Stock

“Having bad vision means that I’m afraid to discipline my own children, ‘cause they’re the ones who help me cross the street. I’m freaking out on the street corner thinking, ‘When was the last time I kicked your ass?’” -Patrick Deguire at Las Vegas Live
11/1: Patrick Deguire @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“I married a white guy. Honestly, I had to. My credit was f**ked up.” -Aisha Tyler on The Talk
11/7-8: Aisha Tyler @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Shout out to all the white folks that’s been adopting these black babies. It’s like a rich, white fetish. They don’t even go domestic with these black babies. They be microbrewing them babies. They been going deep off in Africa and talking about the baby like a weed strain. Like, ‘N*gga, I got some Uganda back at the crib. This motherf**ker is so astute!’” -Damien Lemon at Caroline’s Comedy Club
11/14-15: Damien Lemon @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ in the dictionary.” -David Sedaris in his book Barrel Fever
11/13: David Sedaris @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“I notice more and more women are getting fake boobs. Meanwhile, I still haven’t even gotten real ones yet. I mean, I have boobs; they’re just concave. So much so, they even kind of stick out of my back a little.” -Tig Notaro on Comedy Central Presents
11/19: Tig Notaro @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend. But, in reality, it’s usually a 210-pound girl named Meghan who cock-blocks you at the bar.” -Colin Kane tweet
11/21-22: Colin Kane @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“You know what else I love about the 1970s running shorts? You can let your three-piece set just duck out the side. You know what I’m talking about? Just let it duck out the side, accidentally on purpose. Don’t show the whole thing, just a little bit, the nubs - like, ‘Oops.’ You can’t show the whole thing, though. You show the whole thing, it looks like somebody threw a baby bird against your leg. There’s nothing sexy about a dead baby bird on your leg.” -Bryan Callen on Live at Gotham
11/20-22: Bryan Callen @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Ever been driving along in your car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?” -Doug Benson on Comedy Central Presents
11/26: Doug Benson @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“Yesterday was my day off. I woke up at 9 a.m.; I took a few sleeping pills; I went back to bed and just slept the day gone. Because the only way I can survive off what I make is if my week is only six days long.” -Sean Patton on Comedy Central Stand-Up
11/28-30: Sean Patton @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com