Laughing Stock

By Catlin Dorset

"I feel like when a cinematic, international treasure like John Travolta wants to jerk you off, or you to jerk him off, you jerk him off! You don't run to a news outlet!" - Rob Delaney

5/2-4: Rob Delaney @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
This Boston native was the first comedian to win comedy central's "funniest Person on Twitter" award and currently has more than 800,000 followers.

 

"People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic." - Ron White

5/3: Ron White @ Pechanga Resort & Casino, pechanga.com
Having spent the last five years on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, this cigar-puffing, scotch- swirling pro is taking his A Little Unprofessional tour across the U.S.


"You can't call anybody anymore. If you call someone, they're like, 'What?! Are you on fire? Then quit wasting my time and text me that shit.'"
- Aziz Ansari

5/6: Aziz Ansari @ San Diego Civic Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org
Currently starring as Tom Haverford on NBC's Parks and Recreation, this funnyman has also appeared in several comedy films including I Love You, Man and Funny People.

 

"I propose we plant these seeds, and I know what you're thinking, 'Illegal, illegal!' But the value of Purple Sticky Punch goes way beyond tokin' it." - Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome

5/10-11: Pauly Shore @ The Comedy Store La Jolla, lajolla.thecomedystore.com
The Wea-sel returns to his second home for a ma-jor show at The comedy Store in La Jolla, and not just because his mother founded it.

 

"Some people say that, 'Alcohol's a drug.' Not me; I call it a vitamin. 'cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it." - Tony Rock

5/16-18: Tony Rock @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
Chris Rock's little brother had his own sketch comedy show in 2009, The Tony Rock Project, which co-starred Whitney Cummings.

 

"Mexican women are the best girlfriends to have, man, 'cause if you get in a fight or something, they'll jump in... You ever seen two Mexican women fight? That's better than Jerry Springer." - Pablo Francisco

5/30-6/1: Pablo Francisco @ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
Known for his slew of celebrity impressions, this former MADtv star is on Comedy Central's Most Requested list for his 2006 special, "OUCH!"

 

"She rolled outta bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over." - Jeff Dunham

5/31-6/1: Jeff Dunham @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com
This ventriloquist and his gang of mouthy characters' Minding the Monsters special was the most-watched broadcast of 2012 for comedy central. Wait, seriously?

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