Laughing Stock

“I’m a recovering alcoholic. I get annoyed when ?my female friends refer to themselves ?as ‘chocoholics,’ because a chocoholic is just a fat girl with no self-control. An alcoholic is somebody who blacks out and wakes up next to a chocoholic.”-Dan St. Germain on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
10/30-11/2: Dan St. Germain ?@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“I only drink when it’s a special occasion, like when it’s someone’s birthday on Facebook.”-Jamie Lee on John Oliver’s New York Stand-up Show
10/2-4: Jamie Lee @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“There’s no such thing as soy milk; it’s soy juice. But they couldn’t sell ‘soy juice,’ so they called it ‘soy milk.’ We all know there’s no such thing as soy milk ‘cause there’s no soy titty, is there?”-Lewis Black in Black on Broadway
10/3: Lewis Black @ Pechanga Resort & Casino, pechanga.com

“White people have a holiday every month. Black people: Black History Month. Mexicans only get one day: Cinco de Mayo. What do Asians have? Exactly. We’ve got to wait for a Jackie Chan movie to come out.”-Steve Byrne on The Byrne Identity
10/3-4: Steve Byrne @ The Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

“I was the victim of a hate crime recently and I’m still getting over it. Someone had scribbled a bunch of graffiti near the toilet: Eat it. Burn in hell. I know you’re gay. It really creeped me out... because I was at home. Yeah, my wife’s a mean drunk.”-Dan Cummins on Crazy With A Capital F
10/3-4: Dan Cummins @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“My first AA meeting was a Christian AA meeting, and at the end this guy comes out and starts serving everyone wine. I turned to my sponsor and said, ‘What the f**k?’ He said, ‘Erik, it’s cool. Once they bless the wine, it turns into the blood of Christ.’ I’m like, ‘No sh!t! Can they bless this bag of cocaine?’” -Erik Myers at The Laugh Factory
10/5: Erik Myers @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin’ what would have happened. Like, if Martin Luther King, Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, ‘I had a dream - but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.’”-David Alan Grier in The Book of David
10/9-11: David Alan Grier @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“A hot gay guy having a crush on you is kinda like finding a million pesos. You can’t do much about it now, but once you cross that line, you’ll be set.”-Mark Normand on Conan
10/10-11: Mark Normand @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“You ever caught yourself staring at a transvestite’s butt in broad daylight, fellas? Heads up, it’s an emotional roller coaster. I went from ‘Aww, yeah,’ to ‘Oh, no,’ to ‘Eh, maybe,’ in like three seconds. Three seconds was all it took for me to consider it.” -Adam Ray on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
10/16-18: Adam Ray @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“Now, Roseanne, it’s not your fault you were attracted to Tom [Arnold]. With all that white powder on his upper lip, you must’ve thought there was a doughnut around somewhere.” -Jane Lynch on Comedy Central’s Roast of Roseanne
10/18: Jane Lynch @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“I said, ‘I’m a male stripper.’ He’s like, ‘You’re kidding!’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He said, ‘What’s your stage name?’ I said, ‘Stretch Marks.’” -Bruce Bruce on Comedy Central Presents
10/23-26: Bruce Bruce @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com