Laughing Stock

“I’ve had plenty of preganacy scares. One time, I told my mom, which I’ll never do again. She got excited and was like ‘Oh my God, I’m going to be a grandmother!’ and I was like, ‘Yeah, until Tuesday.’ Monday was a holiday.”

-Nikki Glaser

on

The Half Hour
9/5-7: Nikki Glaser @ American Comedy Co.,

americancomedyco.com

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“If you don’t know what a mammogram is, it is not a woman with big breasts who works for Western Union.”

-Cathy Ladman

on

Comedy Central’s Two Drink Minimum
9/3: Cathy Ladman @ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com
“E! is also home to the Kardashians, who are also Republicans. I know that, because they’re always trying to screw black people.”

-Joel McHale

at the 2014 White House Correspondents’ Dinner
9/4: Joel McHale @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com
“Going to the ATM for me is a lot like playing the slot machines. I never know if anything’s gonna come out of there.”

-Eddie Ifft

on

Comedy Central Presents

9/4-6: Eddie Ifft

@ Mad House Comedy Club,

madhousecomedyclub.com

“You know you’re too high when you’re eating cereal, naked, and your girlfriend says, ‘Put your clothes on.’ And then you realize it’s not your girlfriend, it’s some woman on a bus.”

-Dov Davidoff

on

Comedy Central Presents
9/11-14: Dov Davidoff

@ American Comedy Co.,

americancomedyco.com

“I used to be a rapper. I used to rap way before Eminem. They called me Skittles.”

-Darren Carter

on Comedy Central’s

Premium Blend
9/12-13: Darren Carter

@ Mad House Comedy Club,

madhousecomedyclub.com

“One of my roommates was a prostitute... she was a prostitute and a temp. Like, that’s how expensive New York City is - turning tricks is not enough money, you have to know Word and Excel.”

-Laurie Kilmartin

on

Shorties Watchin’ Shorties
9/14: Laurie Kilmartin

@ Mad House Comedy Club,

madhousecomedyclub.com

“If you tickle a stranger, make sure you’re smiling. Because if you’re not smiling, and this is for real, it’s considered sexual assault.”

-Owen Benjamin

on

High Five Til It Hurts

9/18-20: Owen Benjamin

@ Mad House Comedy Club,

madhousecomedyclub.com

“They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that, deep down inside, you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me, because I’m afraid of dogs.”

-Norm MacDonald on Comedy Central’s

The A-List
9/18-20: Norm MacDonald

@ American Comedy Co.,

americancomedyco.com

“I know how it is - you’re too scared to ask for what you want. You take a girl out, spend all your money, get that little kiss on the cheek at the end of the night. That never happens to me. I ask for sex when I show up at the door for the date.”

-Corey Holcomb

on Comedy Central’s

Premium Blend
9/25-27: Corey Holcomb @ American Comedy Co.,

americancomedyco.com

“People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? ‘Ooh, there’s a hair in my food.’ You’re eating bacon - there’s a pig’s ass in your food.”

-Andrew Norelli

on Comedy Central’s

Live at Gotham
9/28: Andrew Norelli

@ Mad House Comedy Club,

madhousecomedyclub.com