Laughing Stock

Compiled by Michael Benninger

"I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none." -Adam Carolla

on Facebook.

8/6: Adam Carolla

@ American Comedy Co.,

americancomedyco.com

"A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'" 

-Dana Carvey 

on 

Late Night with Conan O'Brien
8/6-7: Dana Carvey 

@ Comedy Palace, 

thecomedypalace.com

"I hate when people tell you how cute their kid is, and then you see pictures of the kid and go, 'Whoa! What the f**k is that? Did you Google platypus or something before you showed me your phone?'" -Russell Peters 

on 

his comedy special, 

Notorious

.
8/8: Russell Peters 

@ Humphrey's Concerts by the Bay, 

humphreysconcerts.com

"No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend; every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend." 

-Joe Rogan

on his album,

Shiny Happy Jihad

.

8/8-9: Joe Rogan 

@ American Comedy Co.,

americancomedyco.com

"It was seventh grade, and I wanted to get Pumas and Nikes for P.E., like all the other kids. And my mom's boyfriend takes me to K-Mart, you know, to get the cheap-ass shoes that they have there. He's like, 'Hey, they look like Adidas.' And I'm like, 'There's an extra stripe, you dick.'" 

-Brian Posehn

on

Comedy Central Presents
8/14-16: Brian Posehn @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

"There's certain things, as men, that you don't do. Like, guys, when you're out with your friends and you drop your buddy off, you don't wait to see if he got in okay. You leave; it's uncomfortable. If he gets his ass kicked on the way to the door, that's his own fault. He should learn how to fight." 

-Bret Ernst

on

Comedy Central Presents
8/15-16: Bret Ernst 

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.

thecomedystore.com

"The best relationship I ever had - I used to go out with a homeless girl. Yeah, it was great, 'cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere." 

-Rich Vos

on

Comedy Central Presents
8/21-23: Rich Vos 

@ Mad House Comedy Club,

madhousecomedyclub.com

"...So I go back to the tampon aisle to try to figure out what size she wears. And it's not like a guy can take an educated guess, 'cause it's not like they come in normal human being Earth sizes - like small, medium or large - where a guy can go, 'That's my gal!' They come in these goofy, girly sizes only you ladies can figure out: regular, slim, super slim, extra crispy, new and improved." 

-Bobby Slayton 

on Comedy Central's 

The A-List
8/29-30: Bobby Slayton

 @ Mad House Comedy Club, 

madhousecomedyclub.com

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