Laughing Stock

“A lot of people are wearing T-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son, ‘cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. It’s also a constant reminder to wear a condom.” -Jo Koy on Santorelli, Ansari, Walsh, Koy
6/27: Jo Koy @ Humphey’s by the Bay, humphreysconcerts.com

“I quit smoking pot. I gave up weed. I quit smoking it. And that’s mostly because I don’t enjoy looking for my phone while I’m talking on it.” -Brooks Wheelan at Hollywood Improv
6/5-8: Brooks Wheelan @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“You quit that cushy gig as a judge on America’s Got Talent. What’s wrong with you, man? That was the worst career move since Mel Gibson bought his girlfriend that tape recorder.” -Lisa Lampanelli on The Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff
6/6: Lisa Lampanelli @ Casino Pauma, casinopauma.com

“The veterinarian had the audacity to say to me, ‘Mr. White, if you’ll just come on back here, we’ll show you how to do that, and next time, you don’t have to bring the dog, you can just bring in the semen.’ That’s okay, you go ahead and jack off the dog. He follows me around too much as is.” -Ron White on Comedy Central Presents: Ron White

6/7: Ron White @ Harrah’s Resort SoCal, harrahsresortsocal.com

“You can leave you toilet seat up all the time. I’d hot-glue mine open, for God’s sake, and then sh*t in the backyard; just because I could. -Jeff Dunham on Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos
6/12: Jeff Dunham @ Del Mar Fairgrounds, sdfair.com

“People that don’t like fat people. Quit calling us ‘fat motherf***kers.’ ‘Cause that don’t bother us, you understand what I’m saying? A lady called me that the other day, ‘You fat motherf***er.’ I’m like, I don’t give a damn. You want to make me mad, you tell me Popeye’s Chicken is going out of business.’” -Bruce Bruce on Latham Entertainment Presents
6/12-14: Bruce Bruce @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“The only thing worse than a roommate walking in on you jerking off is a roommate walking in you crying to orphan kids singing on the British X-Factor.” -Brent Morin on the Kevin Nealon Show
6/19-22: Brent Morin @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“Child Support - them motherf***ers are worse than the Feds! I got so many kids now that I just ride through the ‘hood and wave; I don’t stop. It costs too much to stop. -Mike Epps on Inappropriate Behavior
6/21: Mike Epps @ San Diego Civic Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“Black people don’t really go to therapy. It’s not our thing. I’m not saying we all don’t go to therapy. I’m sure Spike Lee goes to therapy; you know, rich guys. It’s like, why go talk to a weird guy with elbow patches when you can go get high? Both times you’re on a couch, but with one there are chips.” -Aisha Tyler at Smashbox Studios
6/27-28: Aisha Tyler @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“We weren’t raised incredibly religious. My mother taught us everything about being Jewish. She would say things were against our religion, but it turns out it was just bad for the carpet. I scoured the Old Testament looking for something that read ‘Thou shall not fingerpaint,’ but there was nothing.” -Gary Gulman on Boyish Man
6/27-28: Gary Gulman @ Madhouse Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com