Laughing Stock

Compiled by Nick Knott

“Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands for the rest of our lives. That’s it. Sometimes your friend will go, ‘You ever try your left hand? It’s like a whole different person.’ Yeah, a r*tarded person. I can’t do that lefty. I can’t even load the dishwasher with my left hand.” -Jay Mohr on My Turn
5/1-3: Jay Mohr @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“I don’t even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I’m looking at all the aisles... they don’t have one that says, ‘Oops.’” -Gabriel Iglesias on Stand-up Revolution
5/2: Gabriel Iglesias @ Pala Casino Events Center, palacasino.com

“You ever go on the Internet, get all liquored up and take pictures of your balls and send them to people? That is the information superhighway, right there, my friend. You don’t have to leave your bed anymore to flash your grandma.” -Ian Bagg on Bagg, Koplitz, Rubin, Lee
5/2-3: Ian Bagg @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“Adam and Eve had it easy. One man, one woman, one set of boobs and one rule: Don’t eat the apple. I feel like I could’ve handled that. ‘Don’t eat the apple, Rod.’ ‘Fine, anything else?’ ‘Don’t put your wiener in her butt.’ ‘What if I put the apple in there?’” -Rodney Carrington on Live at the Majestic
5/2: Rodney Carrington @ Sycuan Casino, sycuan.com

“I’m never sending another text message as long as I live because I don’t like a phone that tries to predict the words I’m trying to send to people. Last week, I ended up sending a text that read, ‘Hey, baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day.’ But I meant to text, ‘You should get tested.’”- Jon Dore on Comedy Central Presents: Jon Dore
5/8-11: Jon Dore @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“The message was a little annoying. It read, ‘Even if you’re not coming to the high school reunion, please send pictures of you and your kids.’ That’s presumptuous, isn’t it? So I sent a picture of myself f***ing. I was like, ‘Working on it.’” -Shawn Pelofsky on Lip Service
5/9-10: Shawn Pelofsky @ The Comedy Store, La Jolla, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

“As a black man, I didn’t get mad when Paula Deen said the word n*****. I got mad about all the recipes she stole from n*****s.” -Charlie Murphy on The Arsenio Hall Show
5/15-18: Charlie Murphy @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“I’m not saying the Arab-looking gentlemen are going to blow up the plane, but look around - if anyone’s going to do it, it’s those two motherf***ers, not the elderly Asian grandma. That’s all I’m saying. Elderly Asian people do not need to be detained at security. Now at the DMV, that’s a different story.” -Bobby Slayton on Born to be Bobby
5/16-17: Bobby Slayton @ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com

“When you’re at the comedy club, you’re doing like six shows per weekend. So I can only staple my balls so many times.” -Steve-O on Sway in the Morning
5/22-25: Steve-O @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“I saw a gentleman on the bus with a tattoo on his neck that just read, ‘F*** Linda.’ That guy hates Linda. Or he has to remind himself to be intimate with Linda. Either way, Linda could do better.” -Ron Funches on Conan
5/29-6/1: Ron Funches @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“I love drinking; I hate people who don’t drink. I never met an interesting person in my life who didn’t drink. If you don’t drink, you’re a boring c***, and all your stories suck. All your stories end the same, with: ‘And then I got home.’” -Jim Jefferies on I Swear to God
5/30: Jim Jefferies @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org