Laughing Stock

Compiled by Nick Knott

"They're coming out now with this stupid PR that [ Miley Cyrus ] is very religious. Well, maybe she spends a lot of time on her knees, I don't know. All I know is, every time this girl twerks in public, an angel gets knocked up." - Joan Rivers on ET
4/4: Joan Rivers @ Harrah's Resort SoCal, ticketmaster.com

"I'm single, don't have any kids. All the blood tests came back inconclusive. I am the five-time 'Not the Father ' champion in three race divisions. You bring any chick with a baby, and I will defeat them." -Ian Edwards on Mike Brit, Ian Edwards & Leslie Jones
4/11-12: Ian Edwards @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

"I do have a cheap husband, I'll just say. And I know a lot of us ladies have cheap husbands, but there is a positive side to it. If your husband insists that you share a fountain drink at Panda Express, there 's a pretty good chance he's not gonna spend a grand on a hooker." -Heather McDonald on Comedians of Chelsea Lately
4/11-12: Heather McDonald @ American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

"Remember awhile ago there was that period of time where Facebook got hacked? And there were photos of like gay sex and dead dogs. People still logged into Facebook. They were like, 'Yeah, I know there 's a dog with a brick through its head, but I need to see who checked in at Pinkberry.'"- Hasan Minhaj on The Truth With Hasan Minhaj
4/17-19: Hasan Minhaj @ American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

"My family is very dysfunctional. My parents never explained anything. I'm like, 'Mom where do babies come from?' She's like, 'Babies come out when two people are in love.' I'm like, 'Great, I'm adopted.'" -Adam Hunter on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
4/18-19: Adam Hunter @ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com

"Guys, do you ever argue with your girl and you don't even know what the f*** that sh!t is about? When my ex and I argued, I felt like I was in an M. Night Shyamalan movie or some sh!t. I'd just be like, 'Hold on, was I really the bad guy the entire f***ing time?'" -Chris D'Elia at The Laugh Factory
4/24-26: Chris D'Elia @ American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

"Do you guys think it's okay to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?" -Chelsea Handler on Bevins, Handler, MacArthur, Williams
4/25: Chelsea Handler @ Civic Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

"I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years."- Amy Schumer on Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff
4/25: Amy Schumer @ Harrah's Resort SoCal, harrahsresortsocal.com

"We moved in together, and my mom gave me advice . She goes, 'Never argue in the bedroom. It will stop your sex life.' So we started arguing in the kitchen, and now the bitch won't cook. I don't know what to do." -Michael Malone at Comedy and Magic Nightclub
4/25-26: Michael Malone @ The Comedy Palace, thecomedypalace.com

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