Laughing Stock

Compiled by Catlin Dorset

“People always ask me, ‘How do you go from being a professional cheerleader to a stand-up comic?’ I just tell them, ‘Let’s keep it real, it’s kinda easy transitioning into telling jokes when you cheer for the Raiders.’” -Anjelah Johnson on Lopez Tonight
3/14: Anjelah Johnson @Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“I have a prescription for marijuana in Los Angeles. It’s for anxiety... primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.” -T.J. Miller on No Real Reason
3/6-8: T.J. Miller @ American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“Doctors become obsessively interested in your prostate as soon as you turn 50. It’s a round thing, kinda like a donut, and his job is to check that it hasn’t become a bagel yet. There are two ways in, and one is a camera through the hole in your willy. F*** that.” -Bill Connolly on Erect for 30 Years
3/11: Billy Connolly @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“[My therapist] said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sittin’ around time.” - Maria Bamford on Comedy Central Presents: Maria Bamford
3/12: Maria Bamford @ American Comedy Co, americancomedyco.com

“When you love someone, you’re obligated to that person forever, man... even after you don’t like them anymore. That’s the problem with love; there’s no exit strategy out of it. That’s why, if you watch the news, you’ll see people kill loved ones all the time. Nobody ever kills people they like, though.” -Michael Che on John Oliver’s New York Stand-Up Show
3/13-15: Michael Che @ American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“Joan’s face has been lifted more times than Bristol Palin’s prom dress.” -Brad Garrett on The Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers
3/22: Ray Romano and Brad Garrett @ Pala Casino, palacasino.com

“I do like robots, in particular Transformers. As a kid, I used to make them, build them and enjoy them. Then, of course, the movies came out, and I had to see them; thought they were rubbish. Bullsh!t. Anyone who’s ever had a Transformer can tell you, it takes half a day to transform those things.” -Rhys Darby on BBC’s Comedy Marathon
3/23: Rhys Darby @ Belly Up Tavern, bellyup.com

“I’m not gonna hit my kids. You can’t. You cannot do it; it just teaches them how to lie. But last week I stepped on a Lego with a barefoot and I almost murdered my whole family.” -Steve Rannazzisi on Manchild
3/27-29: Steve Rannazzisi @ American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com