July Comedy Shows

7.1-2: Stephen Glickman @ The Comedy Store La Jolla ,

“I just started having sex with older women. I’m sorry, uh, ‘elderly women.’ Hey, hey, they’re already bent over, alright. That’s like half the sh** right there. It’s more convenient that way. Also, they have candy in their purses.” - Stephen Glickman on Stand Up at Candor

7.2: Flight of the Conchords @ SDSU’s Open Air Theatre,

“Americans, when you ask someone to do you ‘a solid,’ it sounds like you want them to make you a poo.” - Flight of the Conchords’ Jemaine Clement on Twitter

7.4: Sebastian Maniscalco @ San Diego County Fair,

“I don’t even know what these women come out wearing today. Have you seen the clubbing wear or whatever they got? They come out with the little half-top on with the wrong half hanging out. Do a sit up; people are eating.” - Sebastian Maniscalco on Premium Blend

7.7-9: Affion Crockett @ American Comedy Co.,

“Public bathroom = the perfect photo shoot location. Also smells like several genres of sh**.” - Affion Crockett on Instagram

7.8-9: Jeff Dye @ The Comedy Store La Jolla,

“A lot of double standards in Los Angeles. Like, if a girl goes out, sleeps with a bunch of dudes, she’s considered a slut. But then, if a guy does it, he’s considered a homosexual, which is messed up.” - Jeff Dye on Comedy Central Presents

7.9: Sommore @ Civic Theatre,

“You know you pure n***** when you ain’t allergic to sh**. I’m for real. I could lotion up in battery acid and be shining like a motherf***er.” - Sommore on The Queens of Comedy tour

7.14-16: Tom Segura @ American Comedy Co.,

“This [show] was called I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. Yeah. I saw that show and I was like, ‘I didn’t know your vagina was Yankee Stadium. Exactly how many people need to be in there before you realize somebody’s in there?’” - Tom Segura on Comedy Central Presents

7.15 Felipe Esparza @ Humphrey’s Concerts by the Bay,

“[My dad] used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and bring it home and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, ‘Damn, that TV got 500 channels.’ When I got older, it didn’t have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.” - Felipe Esparza on Premium Blend

7.16 Jo Koy @ Pala Casino,

“When you have a kid, you realize that women are the toughest creatures on Earth. Tougher than men, hands down...You think you’re tough because you catch a football? That’s tough? That ain’t tough. Let a football come out of your ass - that’s tough.” - Jo Koy on Comedy Central Presents

7.20 Doug Benson @ American Comedy Co.,

“I recently cut back on my pot smoking. Severely. I rarely smoke it anymore. Now, the only time I smoke pot is when it is given to me by strangers. After the show. Tonight.” - Doug Benson on Comedy Central Presents

7.21 Kevin Smith + Jason Mewes @ American Comedy Co.,

“Happy Mother’s Day @JenSchwalbach - from your husband and father of your child! Without you being a Mom, I’d never be the motherf***er I am.” - Kevin Smith on Twitter

7.22 Dan Harmon @ Balboa Theatre,

“Today is a bit of a toughie for me, because I love women, but only the national ones. #InternationalWomensDay” - Dan Harmon on Twitter

7.22 Scott Aukerman @ The Irenic,

“E-mail from my alarm company: ‘Five tips for better home security.’ You can bet Number One with a bullet is, ‘Don’t cancel your alarm!’ ” - Scott Aukerman on Twitter

7.22-23 Chris Hardwick @ Balboa Theatre,

“If you do want to have kids, don’t wait too long. Try to have ‘em young-ish. You don’t want to wait too long, ‘cause kids who are the product of old sperm are not right. The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich. That is a very simple formula, you guys.” - Chris Hardwick on Chris Hardwick: Mandroid

7.22-23 Steve Wilson @ The Comedy Store La Jolla,

“Trump is to America what the gorilla was to the little boy... In a cage with Trump - NOTHING good will come from it...” - Steve Wilson on Twitter

7.28-30 Aries Spears @ American Comedy Co.,

“I’m at a very frustrating point in my career because I’m not a millionaire. Like, people assume, ‘cause you’re in movies or TV, you’re rich. I’m not rich, but I’m far from broke. I’m what you call a ‘thousandaire.’ ” - Aries Spears on Comedy Central Presents

7.29-30 Craig Shoemaker @ The Comedy Palace,

“My mother gave me my driving instructions, that’s right. I’m not such a great driver but I can change all my clothes at a stop light.” - Craig Shoemaker on Comedy Central Presents