It’s In The Bag

When responsible human beings form opinions about sports - or anything else for that matter - they shan’t dare express them before first checking with the Dean of American Sportscasters, His Dishonorable Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph.

Chainsaw,
When Chargers running back Ryan Mathews broke his clavichord on the very first run of the preseason, I thought, “Not again! Another Chargers season D.O.A.
- Jack Soffalot, Lakeside

Jack,
Fortunately, the guys at Piano Restoration in North Park got his clavichord back up to speed very quickly. However, though Ryan’s clavicle snapped like a No. 2 pencil in August, by the time you read this, he should be back on the field and available to be injured once again.

Chainsaw,
I loved the Olympics, but is it me, or did Great Britain win more medals than it usually does? I think I smell something.
- Finn Gerderoffen, Carlsbad

Finn,
It might be the fish and chips. Yeah, the Olympic committee always likes to perk the host country with indigenous events to boost its national pride. Sure enough, the Brits won the bulk of their medals in events like Coal Mining, Kilt Flapping, Kidney Pie Eating and Synchronized Bad Dentistry.

Chainsaw,
Do you think transgender athletes being able to compete against their new gender creates an unfair advantage?
- Izzy Adooterchic, Bankers Hill

Izzy,
I think at the very least you gotta have all the surgeries first. How the Bulgarian Women’s Olympic rowing team fooled the judges, I’ll never know. They had two different assistant coaches: one for tucking before the races, and another for untucking after. But it cut both ways in this particular case, if you will, since the Bulgarian “lady” rowers averaged 6’3” 230 and two of them had to work the bilge pump in the final 500 meters of their heat. They didn’t medal.

Chainsaw,
I thought it was hysterical when NBC’s Olympic basketball announcer spotted “Mark Zuckerberg” in the crowd, when it was actually Jessie Eisenberg, the guy who played Zuckerberg in “The Social Network.” What a dummy!
- Sophie LeRuppalreddy, North Park

Sophie,
That announcer has already changed his Facebook status to “Separated from NBC.” Earlier in the game, the announcer thought he spotted Hannibal Lecter in the crowd and started screaming, “There he is! Get him! Get him!” Moments later, the world looked on, horrified, as bobbies beat the crap out of Anthony Hopkins.

Chainsaw,
This summer I played in a charity golf tournament where underprivileged boys raised summer camp money by caddying for us. But since I finished last, I only gave the kid five bucks. What do you think I should have given him?
- Lou Zehr, Bonita

Lou,
Your clubs.

Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph sometimes answers, “I don’t know,” just to make everyone else feel better, weekday mornings with Dave, Shelly & Chainsaw on 100.7 JACK-FM.