Grateful Dead

Thank you so, so much. This is such a surprise. By the way, where the hell am I? Just kidding, just kidding. Forgive me for not preparing anything-frankly, I was too busy jamming that asbestos jumpsuit into my carry-on in case I landed in that other place, if you know what I mean. But, wow! Here we thought heaven didn’t exist; am I right?

Audience laughter.

Give it up one more time for Johnny Carson and Jimi Hendrix for that killer opening montage of Weezer hits!

Applause.

Didn’t expect to see Elvis and Michael Jackson sitting in the front row next to each other tonight. Seriously, which one of you is the seat-filler?

Smattering of laughter. Close-up of Sinatra NOT laughing, having been snubbed into the second row.

Anyhoo...there are a lot of people I’d like to thank for my being here tonight. First of all: God. Sure, I used to think you’re just an old-man, bearded fantasy figure that helps humans to reconcile death, but now I’m an eyewitness-either that or this is one hell of an acid flashback.

Audience hesitates, looks up to God for a cue, sees him laughing, joins in.

I’d also like to thank my parents for spiking the punch that night at the bridge party, as well as the one eager spermatozoon that beat the other 250,000 swimmers later that night. Good job, little fella. I appreciate the traits, but a lot of times I wished your cousin with the superior hairline and vertical-leap genes would have won the race to the egg.

Big audience reaction. Chris Farley laughs kombucha out his nose.

What a crowd, what a crowd. Since we’ve got eternity, right now I’d like to thank every single person I’ve ever met...

Orchestra begins to play (mostly harps).

...but since you’ve never met them, I’ll spare you. I’m thankful for them all; it was a wonderful life. I see a lot of people tonight who got here way too soon and way too young, but believe me, the world was a better place because of you. You deserve to be here way more than I do, I’ll tell you that.

Orchestra swells louder.

Really? Already? Okay...okay...I see St. Peter in the wings with the hook. One last thing before I go: if you bump into Abe Lincoln at one of the after-afterlife parties, don’t ask him about the play-better to ask him if he thought Mary Todd looked fat in that dress. Cracks him up. Word to your mothers, everybody. Peace out!”

Orchestra crescendo, audience applause. Announcer: “After the break, Zsa Zsa Gabor, finally.” Fade to Cialis commercial: “So Much for Omnipotence,” starring God.

And most of all, thank you, PacificSD readers.

**

Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph is thankful for the opportunity to entertain you weekday mornings with the Dave, Shelly & Chainsaw show at 100.7 JACK-fm.