Gosh Bless America

By Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph

Feeling very Patriotic this July.

It was only 236 years ago this month that John Hancock tweeted, “Check out my me-moment on the D of I. T.J.'s signature was only half as big, and he authored it! Doesn’t matter, this thing won’t last. LOL.”

I love little-known facts about American history.

Did you know Lincoln was running supermodels in and out of the Oval Office more often than JFK? That’s why Booth shot him-Honest Abe was slamming his chick! (Too soon?)

And barely a month later, during the 1865 Stanley Cup Finals, the Toronto Maple Leafs caused a stir when they promoted “Bloody Stovepipe Hat Night” to boost ticket sales for Game Seven. Those Canadians are so cynical. Serves them right the Kings beat them in overtime (3-2).

Interesting stuff, our folklore.

Like the very first high-five hand slap. Most people think it was invented in the ‘70s during some random baseball or basketball game, but it can actually be traced back to the 1936 Summer Olympics in Berlin. After Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal, Adolph Hitler agreed to meet the great champion, albeit reluctantly. After all, this was an achievement that flew in the face of Hitler’s notion of white supremacy. When they met, Owens thought Hitler was congratulating him with some new-fangled gesture, so as Owens was thinking, “When in Berlin, do as the Berliners do,” he reached up and slapped Adolph’s raised palm.

So technically, it was a “Heil Five,” but nevertheless...

Baseball, of course, is the great American pastime. And never more patriotic than when former Philadelphia Phillies slugger Greg Luzinski hit a mammoth, All-American home run that hit the Liberty Bell monument perched atop the upper deck at old Veterans Stadium. You could look it up. 1972. What makes it even more amazing: the Phillies were playing in Cincinnati that day. STEROIDS!

Sadly, however, not everything that comes out of America is all that great. Embarrassing sometimes, actually. Did you see that none other than Clint Eastwood’s daughter set a $100,000 Hermes Birkin handbag on fire to promote her photographer boyfriend’s art project? Suck on that, Third World! That 100K could have sustained your village for another 500 years. And here we thought The Bridges of Madison County was the worst crime Clint had ever perpetrated on the world. No, it was his own spawn!

I try to avoid writing about current politics too much, but when you have Mitt Romney deciding not to campaign his home state of Massachusetts because they supposedly hate him there, what are the rest of us supposed to think? At least President Obama made it fair by promising not to campaign in Kenya.

The delightfully humble Donald Trump is still banging the “birther” drum. Isn’t he a little late? I’m not sure where Donald Trump was hatched, but that silver spoon he was born with must have made for an uncomfortable delivery. Thank goodness for his mother it wasn’t a spork.

Oh, well. November is a long way off, so we still have a few months to enjoy before we play our increasingly divisive election game of “Would You Rather?” We’re supposed to be indivisible, but sadly, there are only two certifiably unanimous things in the history of our great nation that “Everybody Loves”: Kung Fu Fighting and Raymond.