Fruits of Your Labor


If you’re up for a holiday bonus this year, you’re probably one of the lucky one percent the “occupy” vagrants hate, so consider yourself blessed. Keep that company gift in play with these simple tips:


Memorize your boss’s Facebook page and then, during staff meetings, systematically reference the icons posted on his “Info” section. Examples: “How ‘bout them Trojans?” “Socrates quotations RULE!” “Love me some Michael Bublé!”


Avoid asking your boss, “How often you tapping that?” when his personal assistant walks by, especially if the personal assistant is a guy and your boss is straight.


Do NOT tell your co-workers you’re in line for a bonus. They might sabotage you by forwarding to Human Resources that cell-cam portrait of you naked in the bathroom mirror, making a duck face. (Never should’ve taken that in the ?rst place. Dammit, dammit, dammit!)


Give your boss tickets to the Chargers/Ravens Sunday night game (Dec. 18), then impress him Monday morning with clever new synonyms for “devastating loss.”


If you happen to see your boss’s trousers draped over his shoes in one of the stalls as you walk into the men’s room, casually mention what a great guy he is to the guy whizzing next to you.


(Note to self: my boss at JACK-fm is a woman, and she reads Paci?cSD, so I might want to mix in a “her” somewhere during this bit.)


If you happen to see your boss’s britches draped over her pumps in one of the stalls as you walk into the men’s room, casually mention what a great gal she is to the guy whizzing next to you.


If you must attend the company holiday party, coffee up, burst in with cheery greetings for everybody, sip one fake drink...and then jet discreetly in plenty time to make it home for Jeopardy!


If you’re obligated to stick around at the company holiday party, make sure the copy machine is out of paper BEFORE you start drinking so there will be no record of your bare ass.


Best guarantee for a bonus: work in upper management for a tyrannical corporation that donates heavily to the current presidential administration, because those are just about the only companies giving out bonuses these days.

*A “bonus” is a thing companies used to give employees (a practice that became extinct circa 1993) for jobs “well done” during the year. Never cash, it was typically a petri?ed fruitcake UPSed to your doorstep or a cheap alarm clock with the company logo on it.

The only bonus Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph receives from KFMB is the privilege of performing on The Dave, Shelly & Chainsaw Show weekday mornings at 100.7 JACK-fm. That, plus an occasional glimpse of Barbara Lee Edwards in the commissary.