Faux Show

By Zoltan Illes

As if you hadn’t heard by now, MTV’s burning hot mess, The Real World: San Diego, began filming in Bird Rock last month.

“We’re excited to return to San Diego, a city that has always been a magnet for young people, with its beautiful beaches, sunny skies, laidback lifestyle and welcoming spirit,” says Jonathan Murray, the show’s executive producer.

Less excited are the La Jolla homeowners who’ve been complaining about increased automobile traffic in the neighborhood and the all-hours influx of lookie-loos swarming around the 6,800-square-foot, six-bedroom home on Chelsea Street.

Real World‘s last San Diego sojourn (which aired in 2004) involved two arrests and one sexual assault investigation, which begs the question: Why import d-bags to America’s Finest for their quarter-hour of fame, when we already have our own supply of Kim Kardashians, Clay Aikens and, yes, even Snookies?

Here’s a list of homegrown reality shows we hear are already in the works.

Hard Knocks: San Diego Seduction
The hit HBO show, Hard Knocks, typically follows an NFL team as they prepare for the upcoming season. But with the lockout cutting training camps short, this series will instead document the lives of our ladies in the Lingerie Football League (which really exists, BTW). Watch as players work out rigorously, train in front of flocks of fans/creepers, try to recruit tight ends from Pure Platinum and straight up knock the silicone out each other.

The Surfer Whisperer
Capitalizing on the ratings success of The Dog Whisperer (National Geographic Channel’s popular pooch-training program), The Surfer Whisperer is hosted by bad-ass surfer, Jeff Spicoli, now a balding, 50-something insurance salesman. Not since Fast Times at Ridgemont High has Spicoli wasted this much time. Watch as he helps locals understand his native people by establishing dominance over the surfer packs with his extreme “whatever” attitude and his in-depth knowledge of California burritos. He also deciphers their complex language, including how the word “bro” has 32 different meanings.

Tijuana Idol
Our neighbor to the South has exported a lot of musical talent, including Carlos Santana and Frankie J., with even more talent to be discovered. So, in this musical competition, celebrity judges George Lopez and the guy from the Tapatío hot sauce bottle judge performers as a total package, based on singing, dancing, thickness of mustache and the ability to rock the accordion in a 14-person band. Muy caliente!

The Real Househusbands of Hillcrest
Seriously, how is this not on Bravo yet?

Survivor: Santee
Watch as contestants attempt to survive the doldrums in a place where the most exciting attractions are a Sonic burger joint and the Museum of Creation and Earth History (as in: God good, evolution bad). Hot weather, crumbling strip malls, an abundance of tribal tattoos and ?rampant unemployment (in the non-meth lab sector) are just some of the elements these players will have to face. Immunity challenges include changing the tires on their neighbors lifted trucks (and homes) without getting shot-and trying to find something, ANYTHING, to do.

Lockup: La Jolla
This documentary about prison life brings you inside Trump Penitentiary, where basic cable, limited cell phone reception and conjugal visits with only your wife makes it almost not worth the millions swindled. The Japanese tea garden (aka “the yard”) is segregated into two major groups: the Martha Stewart Mafia and the Madoff Militia. The key to surviving here? Make someone your butler before you become theirs.

Ultimate Space-Cake Off
In the only prescription cake-making competition, 347 of San Diego’s top dispensaries battle for the tastiest and most medicinal cakes. Watch as teams develop new recipes, try some samples (aka “quality control”), play Xbox for a few hours, laugh at the funniest thing ever, forget the funniest thing ever, try more samples and then sit there awhile longer before finally completing their cakes-only to eat them when the munchies kick in again.

Mildred
Kendra isn’t the only floozy who can sleep with a creepy old guy and get her own show. This docudrama follows Mildred Patricia Baena, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid/mistress, as she moves to San Diego to start a new life and housekeeping empire (slogan: cleaning house, with a little dirty on the side). Watch as Mildred mops floors, dusts shelves and makes special appearances at 99 Cent Only Stores amid public comments of “Her? Really?” and “Que tetas inmensas!”