Face Off

By Cookie "Chainsaw" Randolph

The zombie apocalypse is now, and it's creating ravenous appetites among A- (and B- and C-) list celebs dying to get even. Revenge is a dish best devoured at body temperature, so let the face-eating begin.

Lance Armstrong is going to eat the face of the inventor of random drug testing.

Serena Williams is going to eat the face of Maria Sharapova , then hopefully eat Maria's yelping voice-box for dessert so we'd never have to hear that incessant tennis caterwauling again.

Michael Phelps is going to carefully eat the face off of Ryan Lochte's head and then drape it over his own skull, Hannibal Lecter-style, so that he'd be instantly much, much better-looking.

Kim Kardashian is going to eat the face of Bruce Jenner and be hospitalized for botox poisoning.

An NFL replacement referee is going to eat the face of a genuine NFL referee and actually get a call right.

Barack Obama is going to eat the face of Mitt Romney and then blame it on George W. Bush.

Howard Stern is going to eat the face of Sharon Osbourne, and a terrified Howie Mandel would run and hide behind that ridiculous dog act that won "America's Got Talent."

Cee Lo Green is going to eat the face of Christina Aguilera and get a triple octave stuck in his teeth.

Honey Boo Boo Child is going to eat the face of her mother and vomit it all over the producer of their television show.

Mike Tyson is going to eat the face of Don King and then cough up a giant hairball.

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