Laughing stock: December stand-up comedy shows

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Amy Schumer, Bobby Lee and Chris D’Elia.

12.1 Al Madrigal

“I’m actually half-Mexican. Get used to it, ‘cause in about five to 10 years, you’re all gonna be related to one. I guarantee you that whether you like it or not. No matter how much you prepared your family, you’re gonna show up at Thanksgiving one of these years and walk in and say, ‘Hey, what’s happening? Since when did we start serving flan?’ ”

- Al Madrigal on Comedy Central Presents

@ La Jolla Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

12.1-3 Bobby Lee

“I’ve never met an Asian guy with Down syndrome, but if I did, I’d bet you money he was as smart as the average white guy. Instead of straight A’s he’d gets straight B’s. He only knows one instrument.”

- Bobby Lee on This is Not Happening

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

12.2-3 Dom Irrera

“Everybody’s trying to convince me - like there’s something wrong with me - to take Uber. I don’t want to take an Uber. I don’t want to get in a car with a strange guy ... The thing that’s funny about Uber to me is the idea like, ‘I used to drink maybe one or two drinks a night, but now I drink all day because I can take Uber. I’m a raging alcoholic because I can take Uber now.’ ”

- Dom Irrera on Joe Rogan Experience

@ La Jolla Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

12.3 Amy Schumer

“I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea - he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’ ”

- Amy Schumer on Comedy Central Presents

@ Valley View Casino, valleyviewcasino.com

12.8-10 Jon Rudnitsky

“Texting I find painful, because I wait. I can’t handle it. If a girl doesn’t respond to me in 30 to 40 seconds, I assume the worst: that she’s not into it. You thought I was going to say something more dramatic, like, ‘Worst-case scenario, she’s dead.’ That’s best-case scenario, because then I don’t have to technically deal with the rejection. ‘Oh she got hit by a bus? Thank God, I thought she was just ignoring me.’ ”

- Jon Rudnitsky at Gotham Comedy Club

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

12.9-10 Steve Byrne

“I’ll tell you who the greatest friend you can have when you’re growing up is. Not only that, I’ll tell you who the greatest human being in our country is right now. You ready? Fat white girls. Fat white girls rock. Fat white girls are ahead of the game. Whatever fat white girls do, it takes the rest of the country a few years to catch up to them, which sounds ironic.”

- Steve Byrne on The Late Late Show with James Corden

@ La Jolla Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

12.15-17 John Caparulo

“We’ve been married two years. She wants to have kids. I guess we’re trying. I’m just doing the same sh**, really. Didn’t really adjust my swing on that at all. Less cleanup now, I guess.”

- John Caparulo on Live at Gotham

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

12.16-17 Steve Rannazzisi

“We live in an apartment building right above Ralphs ... This Ralphs is on Sunset Boulevard, and it’s open 24 hours a day. You can only imagine the kind of clientele that goes into the rock ‘n’ roll Ralphs on Sunset Boulevard at 2 o’clock in the morning on a Saturday night. It looks like Burning Man f**ked Comic-Con in this f**king place. It’s disgusting.”

- Steve Rannazzisi on This is Not Happening

@ La Jolla Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

12.29-31 Big Jay Oakerson

“Girls make fathers’ lives very difficult with things they don’t even know. They don’t even realize they’re making it difficult. Laundry. Can’t do laundry anymore with my daughter’s stuff; it’s just uncomfortable. Looking how I look and folding little girl underwear does not appear as if I’m doing a good deed. It looks as if I’m organizing the trophies from all my victims. ‘I remember her. Pigtails. Central Park.’ ”

- Big Jay Oakerson on Live at Webster Hall

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

12.30 Chris D’Elia

“My ex would get so drunk and just become a different person. It was like dating the worst Transformer ever.”

- Chris D’Elia on Just for Laughs

@ The Observatory North Park, observatorysd.com

12.30-31 Steve Trevino

“Look, it was just a different time when I was growing up. All I’m saying is, you didn’t get molested; it was just fun.”

- Steve Trevino on Grandpa Joe’s Son

@ La Jolla Comedy Store, lajolla.thecomedystore.com