Laughing stock: September comedy shows

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Greg Fitzsimmons, Clayton English and Andrew Schulz.

8.31-9.2 Billy Bonnell

“I like being from Texas, but it sucks I gotta baptize my future kid in sweet tea.”

- Billy Bonnell on Twitter

@ American Comedy Co.,

9.1-2 Clayton English

“White people, they got their extreme sports, you know, parachuting, hang gliding, all that s**t. I got my extreme sport, goddammit, and that’s getting away from the police. That’s my sport right there.”

- Clayton English at Throwbacks Bar

@ The Comedy Store,

9.2 Bill Burr

“Now, I am not advocating drinking and driving, but I will tell you there’s nothing better than when all your friends and family know you’re hammered... There’s nothing better than that walk to the car. It’s incredible. Women are screaming, people tearing at your clothes. You feel like you’re in the Beatles. ‘Oh, my God! No! Stop him!’ You’re like, ‘No autographs. I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll be back. Just...get ‘em off me!’”

- Bill Burr on Bill Burr: Walk Your Way Out

@ Harrah’s Resort Southern California,

9.8-9 Chris Franjola

“Los Angeles will host the 2028 Olympics. I’m ready to medal in the texting & driving competition.”

- Chris Franjola on Twitter

@ The Comedy Store,

9.14-16 Andrew Schulz

“So this is something I don’t get that girls do. Some girls, at least. They’ll shave their legs, they’ll shave their armpits, they’ll shave their vagina... and leave their mustache. What the f**k is the point of that? Does anyone get the logic there?”

- Andrew Schulz at Comix Comedy Club

@ American Comedy Co.,

9.15-16 Tony Baker

“Dogs are man’s best friend? That’s not accurate. When’s the last time you picked your best human friend’s s**t up off the sidewalk? Would y’all still be friends after that? That’s not a friendship.”

- Tony Baker at The Comedy and Magic Club

@ The Comedy Store,

9.22-23 Greg Fitzsimmons

“Textile Dysfunction: When bubbles appear in your text app and then mysteriously disappear. Often caused by excessive drinking.”

- Greg Fitzsimmons on Twitter

@ The American Comedy Co.,

9.22-23 Tom Rhodes

“A lot of my friends in Europe tell me they think all Americans own guns and that we’re all easily prone to violence. I just want to shoot ‘em in the face when they say s**t like that.”

- Tom Rhodes on Holy Temple of the HaHa

@ The Comedy Store,

9.29-30 Ryan Sickler

“You ever lie so much on a resume, that when they ask you something, you’re like, ‘It says that?’”

- Ryan Sickler on Live at Gotham

@ The Comedy Store,

9.29-10.1 Lavell Crawford

“I ain’t afraid to die fat. That’s my pallbearers’ worry.”

- Lavell Crawford on Can a Brother Get Some Love?

@ American Comedy Co.,