Laughing stock: June stand-up comedy shows

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Dana Carvey, Adele Givens and Brad Garrett.

6/2-3 JUSTIN MARTINDALE

“‘Thoughts and Prayers’ is my new healthcare plan.”

- Justin Martindale on Twitter

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.comedystore.com

6/2 DANA CARVEY

“I stopped doing standup on New Year’s Eve years ago. It’s hard to be funny while dodging projectile vomit.”

- Dana Carvey on Twitter

@ Humphrey’s by the Bay, humphreysconcerts.com

6/2-3 BRAD GARRETT

“I’ll tell you how over my career is: People think I’m Kramer. Mostly the Mexicans, but they’re people.”

- Brad Garrett on Gotham Comedy Live

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

6/8-10 ROBERT KELLY

“I’ve been to some sh*tty places. I was in Atlantic City. You ever go to Atlantic City? It’s awful. It’s like Vegas with AIDS.”

- Robert Kelly on Just the Tip

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

6/9-10 RICK INGRAHAM

“That’s what a Canadian is, right? A retarded American?”

- Rick Ingraham at the Comedy and Magic Club

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.comedystore.com

6/16-17 STEVE BYRNE

“If I go to a gas station, I swipe my credit card at the pump and it says, ‘Please come inside and see attendant,’ I’d rather die than go inside and see that attendant. I’d rather get in my car and drive three miles to another gas station than walk 10 yards into your piece of crap place of business because you can’t fix the pump. I’ll take death.

- Steve Byrne on The Late Late Show with James Corden

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.comedystore.com

6.23-24 ADELE GIVENS

“I ain’t got no man, but that’s alright ‘cause between Oprah and my gynecologist, I’m satisfied. That’s right, I learned to appreciate that f#$%ing pap smear. Once a year? Bullshit! I’ll see you tomorrow, motherf#$&er.”

- Adele Givens on Russell Simmons’ Def Comedy Jam.

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

6/23-24 MICHAEL KOSTA

“I went over to my parents’ house to have dinner the other night. And when I say, ‘go over to my parents’ house,’ I mean walk down the stairs. It’s sad.”

- Michael Kosta on The Tonight Show

@ The Comedy Store, lajolla.comedystore.com

6/25: Kevin Nealon

“Basically I’m a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing.”

- Kevin Nealon

@Belly Up Tavern, bellyup.com

6/29 ILIZA SHLESINGER

“If you’ve got a real job, your weekend is very important to you. Because a weekend represents 48 hours that you have to f#%k up the life that you work so hard for all week.”

- Iliza Shlesinger on New Wave Dynamic

@ Observatory North Park, observatorysd.com

6/29-7/1 CHRIS DISTEFANO

“I handle breakups like a complete woman. Like, every day I just drink Pinot Grigio and listen to Michael Bublé. I’m telling you, the last three months, that’s been my whole life. I call it Pinot 90X.”

- Chris Distefano at New York Comedy Club

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com