Laughing stock: January comedy shows

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Adam Sandler, Bill Bellamy and Jo Koy.

1.4-6: Drew Michael

“I was home in Chicago for the holidays. It was good — I got to see people I don’t normally see. I got to see my therapist. That’s always fun. She sat me down and she’s like, ‘You know what your problem is, Drew? You’re a devaluing narcissist.’ F**k. I didn’t know that was a thing someone could be. Ouch! That’s tough to hear from a worthless piece of s**t who’s obviously jealous of me.” — Drew Michael at The Meltdown 

 @ American Comedy Co.,

1.5-7: Bret Ernst 

“I’m Sicilian, which... that’s the bad one. That’s the one where your mind automatically just goes to bad places. Like, I walked into a 99-cent store, and my first thought was, I’d have to steal over 500 items in order to get charged with grand larceny.” — Bret Ernst on Just for Laughs

@ The Comedy Store,

1.12-14: Bill Bellamy

“They not looking for black people. The government know what we do. They let us on the planes ’cause they know we could never be terrorists. Black people ain’t gonna blow up nothin’. They know what we do. They profile us. They know we will rob you, we will shoot you, we will cut you, but we will never blow you up. ’Cause you gotta be on time to f**k with bombs.” — Bill Bellamy on Back to My Roots

 @ American Comedy Co.,

 1.12-14: Ian Bagg

“Every show I do, at least one person hates me. Once it was a guy in a wheelchair. He hated me so much, he stood up and walked out of the room.” — Ian Bagg at the Improv

 @ The Comedy Store,

1.18-20: Jay Chandrasekhar

“It stinks like sex in here.” — Jay Chandrasekhar as Thorny in Super Troopers 

 @ American Comedy Co.,

1.19-21: Dean Delray

“This guy is crazy homophobic. Last summer, we go dirt-bike riding, just the two of us. We’re out in the desert, we’re tearing it up, we’re having a great time. This guy crashes. He’s laying there and he’s bleeding and dying and like, ‘Help me!’ I ride up on my bike, and I’m like, ‘Dude, jump on my bike. I’ll take you to the hospital.’ He says this to me: ‘I ain’t going nuts to butts with you.’ I’m like, ‘Nuts to butts? Who says this? Get on the bike, dude. You are dying!’ He says, ‘No way! Somebody might see us.’ ‘Yeah, like a doctor. Let’s go!’” — Dean Delray at the Laugh Factory

 @ The Comedy Store,

 1.21: Jo Koy

“I’m not knocking what my mom had to do to get to America. F**k it. That was her hustle. God bless you, Mom. You hooked up with a soldier and had a kid in America. She did what she had to do. She could’ve hooked up with a Filipino and had a kid in the Philippines. You know how much a comedian makes in the Philippines? A chicken and flip-flops. And f**k that. I don’t even like flip-flops.” — Jo Koy on Live from Seattle

 @ Copley Symphony Hall,

1.25-27: Colin Kane

“Going back to bed after you eat breakfast is the definition of success.” — Colin Kane on Twitter 

 @ American Comedy Co.,

1.26-28: Cort McCown

“Married guys can fart. That’s huge. When you’re single and go out on a date, you have to sit there and suck in that fart for 3-and-a-half g*dd*mn hours. It’s uncomfortable, man! Girls, you think we’re being nice when we open car door for you? As soon as we shut the door, we just s**t our pants as we walk around the car. Watch his face — he’s crop-dusting.” — Cort McCown at Gotham Comedy Club

 @ The Comedy Store,

1.27: T.J. Miller 

“What a great friend alcohol is. When you black out... basically alcohol’s going, ‘Hey, it’s about to get pretty messy here in a second. You can go ahead and take off. We’ll take it from here. We’ve got it from here on out.” — T.J. Miller on Meticulously Ridiculous

@ Harrah’s Resort SoCal,

1.28: Adam Sandler

“You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL!” — Adam Sandler as Happy Gilmore in Happy Gilmore 

 @ Pechanga Resort & Casino,

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