Laughing stock: April stand-up comedy shows

Adam Sandler. (DON EMMERT/AFP/Getty Images)
(DON EMMERT / AFP/Getty Images)

Comedians performing at comedy venues around San Diego this month include Adam Sandler, T.J. Miller and David Koechner.

April 7-8: Shawn Pelofsky

“What was really annoying about my high school reunion, is that the girl who was in charge of the slideshow sent a little message on the Facebook. And the message was a little annoying. It read like this: ‘Even if you’re not coming to the high school reunion, please send pictures of you and your kids.’ Presumptuous, isn’t it? So I sent a picture of myself f**king. I was like, ‘Working on it!’ ”

- Shawn Pelofsky on Showtime’s Lip Service
@ The Comedy Store,

April 7-9: David Koechner

“I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.”

- David Koechner as Champ Kind in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.
@ American Comedy Co.,

April 8: Sandler/Spade/Swardson/Schneider

“I make a lot of money, but I try to not be a nut about it. In all my movies, in all the contracts I make, I just make sure that my trailer is never bigger than the one my sister lives in.”

- Adam Sandler on The Late Show with David Letterman

@ Harrah’s Resort Socal,

April 13-15: Michael Ian Black

“The beasty is called an American Trump. Its skin is bright orange, its figure is plump; Its fur so complex, you might get enveloped. Its hands are, sadly, underdeveloped.”

- Michael Ian Black from “A Child’s First Book of Trump”

@ American Comedy Co.,

April 14-15: Steve Wilson

“My doctor told me the reason that I’m not sleeping is that I’ve got this thing called sleep apnea. For those of you that don’t know what sleep apnea is, it’s when you wake up the middle of the night dead. You snore so hard that in the middle of the night, your lungs and throat get together and say, ‘Let’s kill this motherf**ker.’”

- Steve Wilson on Comedy Time

@ The Comedy Store,

April 21: Gary Owen

“If you’re a white guy and you’re sleeping with a black girl, there’s only one way you know if you’re putting it down like you should. Don’t listen to ‘Oh, you’re the biggest. You’re the best.’ Don’t listen to that-she says that to everybody. Don’t listen to that. The only way you know is, in the middle of sex, she grabs the back of your head, looks you dead in the face, and calls you the n-word. When you can make her ass forget you’re white, that’s when you know you’re putting it down.”

- Gary Owen on I Agree with Myself

@ House of Blues,

April 21-23: Lil Duval

“I’m cheap as hell. Going to the mall with me is just like going to a museum. All we doing is looking and admiring. And I’m the tour guide.”

-- Lil Duval on Cedric the Entertainer’s Starting Lineup

@ American Comedy Co.,

April 27-29: T.J. Miller

“I’m dyslexic, and I got really depressed about it recently, so I ended up slitting my ankles. I left a suicide note. It said, ‘See ya later, crocodiles.’”

- T.J. Miller on No Real Reason

@ American Comedy Co.,

April 28-29: Orny Adams

“Let me tell you where it all started for me. I was up in wine country, where you go from vineyard to vineyard with your cup. It’s basically trick-or-treating for adults. I was so drunk by the end of the day I was knocking on people’s houses. They’re like, ‘We’re not even a vineyard.’ I said, ‘I don’t care. You’ve got a big backyard, you must be growing something. Let’s go! Fill it up! And don’t be cheap on the pour.”

- Orny Adams on Takes the Third
@ The Comedy Store,