Chain Reactions


Hey, Chainsaw.

Did you see Tiger Woods give the death-stare to that reporter who asked him about how he once considered giving up golf to become a Navy SEAL? Wow! Tiger didn’t blink for 30 seconds.

-Michael Corleone, Lake Tahoe

Dear Michael,

Apparently he and Nancy Pelosi have the same plastic surgeon.

Chainsaw, the New Orleans Saints supposedly paid a bounty to players for knocking an opponent out of a game ($1,500) and having an opponent carted off ($1,000). Are you as outraged as I am over these bounties intended to cause injury?

-Jack “Midnight Run” Walsh

You know better, Jack. These guys aren’t exactly giving sensual massages out there. At least they aren’t literally shooting their competitors like the Sasha Baron Cohen character in The Dictator. That’s for later, at the clubs.

Chargers All-Pro left guard Kris Dielman recently retired after nine seasons because of lingering head injury issues. Do you think it was a wise decision?

-Curly Howard, Nyuckville

Yes, Curly, and that decision proved Kris still has possession of his considerable wits, which he would have jeopardized had he kept playing. He sacrificed millions of dollars to preserve millions of brain cells for his family. I know if my dad had done the same, I would have been supremely proud and grateful for his values. Until after college that is, when a giant trust fund would have come in really, really handy.

Coach Steve Fisher has built a great basketball program up at San Diego State-Top 25 rankings for two years in a row! Chainsaw, have you ever met Coach Fisher, and if so, is he as nice as he seems?
-Polly Anna, Vermont

Yes. Steve Fisher is one of those wonderful, humble men who made me feel like it was his pleasure meeting me, instead of the other way around. Then again, maybe he’s just a really good judge of greatness and becomes star-struck in those situations. That’s probably it.

Dude, Milwaukee’s National League MVP Ryan Braun got his 50-game suspension lifted after a positive test for elevated testosterone was invalidated for, get this: the tester guy kept Braun’s urine sample in his basement for two days instead of FedEx-ing it to the lab that same day, which violated protocols. Does this make sense?

-Roy Drage, Atlas Gym

Yes, because everybody knows that basements alter the molecular structure of fluids that would otherwise be impossible for a human to produce on his or her own. Incidentally, this is also how Sauvignon Blanc is made, although occasionally cat urine is used as a base instead.

Chainsaw, Padres icon Tony Gwynn recently had a second surgery to remove a cancerous growth from his cheek. How is he doing?
-Faith Hope, Mission Valley

Soon after surgery, Tony spoke with Padres’ flagship radio station, XX1090, and sounded fantastic in every way. The doctors said, “They got it all,” just like Tony got all of David Wells’ fifth inning, 0-0 pitch in Game One of the ’98 World Series, slamming it off the upper deck Budweiser sign at Yankee Stadium, giving the Padres a 4-2 lead. As I recall, the Padres swept that series (Langston’s 2-2 pitch to Tino WAS A STRIKE!!! For the love of Scott Brocius, I’m still not over that one).

I noticed the other day Danica Patrick was complaining about being perceived as a sex symbol. Isn’t that the very image her commercials are promoting?
-Webster Dohmane, Silicon Valley

Yes, Webster, but that’s only because their efforts to promote her charm, likeability and career victory total (one) didn’t test well in focus groups.

Hey, Chainsaw. With the Padres possessing mostly journeyman-type players and no real stars, I guess it’s no surprise that a Vegas casino is predicting only 73.5 victories for the Padres this season. Do you think this is a fair estimation?

-Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder, Heaven

As Brad Pitt taught us in Moneyball, sometimes the aggregate statistics and salaries of two inexpensive players sharing one position are preferable to those of a single, higher-priced player playing all the time. I’m not sure I understood that concept during the movie, and I’m not sure Brad did either, but that’s why he’s the preeminent acting genius of his generation. However, since no team has ever finished with 73.5 wins, I’d say no, it’s not a fair estimation. Off by at least a half a game, either way.

Thousands of San Diegans find Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph questionable on 100.7 JACK-fm, weekday mornings with the Dave, Shelly & Chainsaw show.