Celebrity Shrink Rap

By Cookie “Chainsaw” Randolph

(Published in the June 2010 issue)

When jobs and babies and age and chocolate catch up with perfect genes, People With Perfect Bodies and Faces (PWPBFs) freak out. Perfect abs, lips and hair begin to expand, wrinkle and recede. No matter how many personal trainers or Botox injections they might employ, the battle is on and they can’t handle it.

The rest of us? We were born imperfect. We’re experienced veterans. We could sit these poor souls down and guide them into the lap of...big laps. We could help them cope with fading looks, because that’s all we’ve ever had.

We could be psychiatrists for PWPBFs...(door opens)

Doctor: Welcome to the Perfect 10 Celebrity Rehab Clinic, Mr. and Mrs. Pitt. I’m Dr. Chainsaw. Please, have a seat.

Angie: Thank you, Doctor. I hope I don’t crush the couch cushion.

Doctor: Don’t worry, Brendan Fraser was here right before you and it held up just fine. Oops! I’m not supposed to say the names of other patients. I’m kinda new at this. Anyway, what brings you here today?

Brad: Well Doctor, we just adopted our 342nd child, so you can imagine Angie’s tummy is stretching out a bit.

Doctor: I didn’t know adoption could do that.

Angie: It’s called “sympathetic abdominal expansion.”

Doctor: Interesting. Do I smell burning hemp?

Angie: Oh that’s just Brad. He did some baking on the way over here.

Doctor: Gotcha. Anyway, Angie, what you’re experiencing is very normal for a Perfect 10. An ounce here, an ounce there, and suddenly you’ve gained two ounces. Girdles can help. Or maybe one of those fancy magnet belts.

Angie: Sounds great. No workouts?

Doctor: Perhaps a bit of purging, but that’s about it.

Angie: I feel better already!

Doctor: What about you, Brad?

Brad: Well, Doctor, as you can see, I’m fairskinned, so I’m not aging as well as say, a Clooney or a Denzel.

Doctor: Don’t worry about that. Denzel doesn’t qualify as a Perfect 10 because of his wall-eye. And Clooney? He’s one of those freaks who will always be perfect, no matter what. C’est la vie.

Brad: I’ve always hated him for that. Pretending to be his buddy in the Ocean movies? Now that was acting. I should have won the Oscar.

Doctor: Which brings me to my next point, and this is kind of touchy, but frankly, I don’t think you two qualify for Perfect 10 rehab in the first place.

Brangelina: Why not?!

Doctor: In Brad’s case, remember when you took your shirt off in Thelma and Louise, the movie that launched the entire “Brad is so hot” industry?

Brad: Of course I do!

Doctor: Well, your pecs are kinda pigeon-toed. You know, cross-eyed, as if they’re looking at each other, saying, “I can dumbbell press more than you.” Not so perfect.

Brad: Wow. I always thought so, too, but my agent kept pushing it.

Doctor: As for you, Angie, for one thing, you never need to wear stilettos, because you’re already 6’3”. And for another, your calves are skinnier than swizzle sticks.

Angie: Nobody has ever dared say that to me.

Doctor: See how good I am at this? You’re not perfect! You’re kinda, not really, almost normal. Self-acceptance is the first step towards enlightenment.

Angie: But what about our acting careers? We’re in the “looks” business.

Doctor: Listen, I know the hi-def world has destroyed a lot of careers. It’s why Katie Couric wears so many scarves. But you guys? Just have James Cameron slap your heads onto a couple of Avatar bodies, and you’ll be good to go.

Angie: Thank you, Dr. Chainsaw. It’s as if the world has been lifted from my shoulders.

Brad: Or in my case, a bunch of kids riding piggy-back.

Doctor: Then be gone with both of you. I’ve got Jennifer Aniston in the waiting room.

Brad: Oh, really?

Angie: Is there a separate exit?

Doctor: Yes, that door next to the velvet painting of Dr. Phil.

Angie: Let’s go, Brad.

Brad: I think I left the diaper bag in the lobby.

Angie: LET’S GO, BRAD!

(door opens/closes)

Another perfect Hollywood ending.