Ass Face

Dear PacificSD,
This is all true. I have pictures to prove it.

It all started a few weeks ago. Friends were at my house, and Jimmy comes over and starts talking about how he wants a new tattoo. I’m a little drunk and say,

“You should totally get my face on your ass.”
He laughs. “Only if you pay me,” he says.
Then I said, “Name your price.”
He thinks for a second. “I don’t know, $2,000?”
“Done deal!” we high-five.

Two weeks go by, and all the meanwhile he’s harassing me for money. I mean, he actually wants to get the tattoo for the two grand.

So we’re in Vegas last week, lying in a cabana at the Planet Hollywood pool, partying. Jimmy, buzzed like he gets, pulls out a camera, takes a picture of my face and says he’s going to take the photo to a tattoo artist.

An hour later, he calls me and says he’s in a chair at a tattoo shop off the strip. He gives me the address, and I cab over to the place only to find him lying face down...with a stencil of my face on his backside. The photo he took was sitting on the tattoo artists’ knee.

Long story short, four hours later, an almost full-sized rendition of my face is forever forged on my friend’s ass. I pay him the $2,000, in casino chips, and he immediately turns around, gambles it and loses. All of it.

A week later, Jimmy’s girlfriend dumped him, basically for being such a moron.
So, the lesson of it all: stay in school and get a job, so your friends don’t have to pay you to do stupid shit (‘cause that shit will end up on the Internet or in the magazine in the town you’re living in).

It gets better. Or maybe worse. Jimmy still needs money, so he’s seriously considering getting our other friend’s face tattooed on his other cheek, and the two of us tattoos will be high-fiving in the middle.

I can’t really say that this tattoo should win your “worst tattoo” contest, because I think I look kinda good. In fact, I’m not sure there’s any “winning” going on here at all.

-Richard, avid PacificSD reader (on behalf of my friend Jimmy)

Dear Richard,
We are at once amused and repulsed by you and your friends. Hoping we can help stave off the impending doubling of his Ass Face status, PacificSD hereby names your friend, Jimmy, winner of the “What Was I Thinking?” worst tattoo contest.

And congratulations to you, Jimmy. You just won $2,500 worth of tattoo removal services from Laser Away. We trust you’ll do the right thing and trade the gift certificate for a case of beer.
Viva la jackass!

Second-place ($1,000 Laser Away gift certificate)
Bryan H., Downtown: EXIT ONLY

Third-place ($500 Laser Away gift certificate)
River M., Pacific Beach: MUFF DIVR

“One small squirt for man, one giant douche for mankind!”

Congratulations to Sean D. from Pacific Beach for winning PacificSD’s June 2012 caption contest and scoring $250 in gift certificates-that’s $50 each from Azul La Jolla, barleymash, Bar West, Broken Yolk and Firehouse.