April Comedy Shows

“Can someone just explain: why do all balls look like they’re 150 years old? Can you put some sunscreen on that, please?” -Whitney Cummings on Whitney Cummings: Money Shot
4.1-2: Whitney Cummings @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“My buddy texts me two days ago, ‘Hey man, whatcha doin’?’ I go, ‘Chillin’, just cooked up some baby back ribs.’ iPhone auto-corrects it to ‘Chillin’, just cooked up some baby black kids.’” - Adam Ray at Laugh Factory
4.1-2: Adam Ray @ the Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com

“Pitbull is legit one of my favorite artists, but I cannot condone the fiscal irresponsibility encouraged in ‘Time of Our Lives.’” - Anna Akana on Twitter
4.3: Anna Akana @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“That’s what a pin?ata inspires. It’s like, ‘Hey kids, let’s get your favorite cartoon character and let’s lynch his ass. And then
we’re gonna all take turns beating the crap out of it until its guts come out. We can all scramble for its sugary entrails. Who’s with me?!’” - Al Madrigal on John Oliver’s New York Stand-Up Show
4.7-9: Al Madrigal @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“You can’t go to the zoo with a black momma. Like, ‘Momma, I wanna go over there and see that giraffe.’ [In momma’s voice] ‘Do you know that giraffe? Do that giraffe know you?’” - Bill Bellamy on Stand Up For Family
4.14-17: Bill Bellamy @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

“I can’t live tweet the Oscars because I’m about to go on stage in Edmonton. But I’m sure @chrisrock killed it more than a cop in Ferguson.” - Sarah Tiana on Twitter
4.15-16: Sarah Tiana @ the Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com

“I have to go shopping. We’re running out of everything: cat food, fish food, ant spray, rat poison.” - Lily Tomlin as Violet in Nine to Five
4.16: Lily Tomlin @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“I’m like the weird guy in the house, because [my wife and daughters] have so many things in common that they can talk about. They talk about their hair and how to make the curl look right, and how to wax their eyebrows, and just I’m going, ‘Can you pop a zit on a testicle?’” - Judd Apatow on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
4.21: Judd Apatow @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“Six weeks ago, I spotted a hipster. If you don’t know about hipsters, what they are is the human version of bed bugs. If you see one, there’s probably 40 more under your bed judging your music.” -Dan Soder on The Half Hour
4.28-30: Dan Soder @ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com