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Arts | Coolture

October comedy stand-up roundup: from Patton Oswalt to JB Smoove

Funny people headed to San Diego this month include Vicki Barbolak, Chris D’Elia, Claudia Oshry and Bill Maher. [Editor’s note: Compiled by Michael Benninger]

10.5: JB Smoove

“Went to a fancy restaurant last night, it was classy, too fancy for me … $300 a plate … ooh, that’s fancy. They had this one dish, I had to have it, man … it was a lobster holding two goddamned steaks.” — JB Smoove at the Just for Laughs Festival

@ Balboa Theatre, 868 Fourth Ave., downtown, 619.570.1100, sandiegotheatres.org

2019 Summer TCA Press Tour - Day 1
J.B. Smoove
(Amy Sussman/Getty Images)

10.4-6: Vicki Barbolak

“I need a bra. It’s necessary, right? I take my bra off, my boobs fall down like a broken mini-blind.” — Vicki Barbolak on America’s Got Talent

@ The Comedy Store, 916 Pearl St., La Jolla, 858.454.9176, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

A photo of Vicki Barbolak
Vicki Barbolak
(NBC / Vivian Zink)
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10.10: Nate Bargatze

“You know what marriage is like? Marriage is like, you ever go to a concert, and you see a mosh pit? And you’re like, ‘I’m gonna go get in that mosh pit.’ But once you get in it, you’re like, ‘Oof. I do not want to be in this mosh pit ... at all. I’m going to leave and go get some beer.’ And then the mosh pit is like, ‘Hey, you drank last night.’ And you’re like, ‘Allright mosh pit, why don’t you get off my back, and let me live my life.’” — Nate Bargatze at The Broadway Comedy Club

@ Balboa Theatre, 868 Fourth Ave., downtown, 619.570.1100, sandiegotheatres.org

A photo of Nate Bargatze
Nate Bargatze
(Courtesy photo)

10.11-13: Steve Rannazzisi

“My 9-year-old’s biggest issue is this kid’s losing teeth like a meth head, guys. We got a big f**ckin’ problem on our hands. He’s losing 10, 12 teeth a week. They’re just falling, cascading out of this kid’s mouth. He’s handsome until he smiles at you, and then you go, ‘Oh, my God.’ We didn’t even do school pictures this year. I told him, ‘You take the free comb, shove it in your pocket, don’t sign up for any of the packages. You look like a busted jack-o’-lantern, buddy. And I’m the only one that’s going to tell you that. All these other people are going to lie to you about how handsome you are. These are the years we forget.’” — Steve Rannazzisi at Comedy Works

@ The Comedy Store, 916 Pearl St., La Jolla, 858.454.9176, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

A photo of Steve Rannazzisi
Steve Rannazzisi
(Michael S. Schwartz/WireImage)

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10.12: Patton Oswalt

“Every romantic comedy should just be called, ‘Trying to F*ck.’” — Patton Oswalt

@ California Center for the Arts, Escondido, artcenter.org

A photo of Patton Oswalt at night two of the Creative Arts Emmy Awards on Sunday, Sept. 15, 2019, at the Microsoft Theater in Los Angeles.
Patton Oswalt
(Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP)

10.17-19: Rory Scovel

“I used to be pretty religious. I used to go to church all the time. And then I did mushrooms, and I was like, well, that phase of my life is over. I’m not going to go to God’s house if he’s clearly willing to come to mine.” — Rory Scovel on Conan

@ The American Comedy Co., 818 Sixth Ave., downtown, 619.795.3858, americancomedyco.com

A photo of Rory Scovel
Rory Scovel
(Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic for Clusterfest)

10.18: Chris D’Elia

“I don’t care about sports, I tried to watch … I don’t care, I just don’t care ... I would watch it if it was real bears against real dolphins … basically the game would just be bears eating dolphins and I’d watch every game. NFL would have all my money! Bears versus lions, wouldn’t you wait all year for that ferocious matchup?” — Chris D’Elia at the Just For Laughs Festival

@ Spreckels Theatre, 121 Broadway, downtown, 619.235.9500, spreckels.net

A photo of Chris D’Elia performing at The Mirage in Las Vegas
Chris D’Elia
(Courtesy photo)

10.18: Claudia Oshry

“Hands down the best part of watching The Bachelor is catching the last five minutes of Wheel of Fortune.” — Claudia Oshry on Twitter

@ Balboa Theatre, 868 Fourth Ave., downtown, 619.570.1100, sandiegotheatres.org

A photo of Claudia Oshry at the The Points Guy Awards on December 4, 2018 in New York City.
Claudia Oshry
(Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images for The Points Guy)
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10.18-20: Erik Griffin

“In modern times, right now, you have to go to school for 20 years before you’re considered smart — a master at something. Twenty years. Another five if you want your Ph.D. Do you know the life expectancy of the people that wrote the Bible? It’s like 30ish. How smart could they be? I’m just throwing it out there.” — Erik Griffin at The Laugh Factory

@ The Comedy Store, 916 Pearl St., La Jolla, 858.454.9176, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

A photo of Erik Griffin
Erik Griffin
(Courtesy photo)

10.24-26: Dante Chang

Basketball Wives is what happens when NBA players make really bad draft picks at da club.” — Dante Chang on Twitter

@ The American Comedy Co., 818 Sixth Ave., downtown, 619.795.3858, americancomedyco.com

A photo of Dante Chang
Dante Chang
(Courtesy photo)

10.26: Bill Maher

“Trump, the financial genius, is driving the economy over the cliff. Did you see what happened in the stock market this week? I spent more time gasping for breath than Jeffrey Epstein.” — Bill Maher on Twitter

@ San Diego Civic Theatre, 1100 Third Ave., downtown, 619.570.1100, sandiegotheatres.org

A photo of Bill Maher Performing During New York Comedy Festival
Bill Maher
(Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images)
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