Laughing stock: September comedy shows


Funny people headed to San Diego this month include Pete Holmes, Tig Notaro, Jen Kirkman and Amir K.

9.5-7: Drew Lynch

“I’m not really as self-conscious about my voice as I am my height. I was going up to a girl one time, and before I could say anything, she was like, ‘You’re too short.’ And I was like, ‘Well, people seem to enjoy life, and they say that’s too short.’ ” — Drew Lynch on Conan

@ The American Comedy Co.,

9.6-8: Eddie Ifft

“Dems need to fight fire with fire. The only way they can win in 2020 is if they run O.J. Simpson.” — Eddie Ifft on Twitter

@ The Comedy Store,

9.12-14: Leonard Ouzts

“I’m at that age when my friends are starting to have kids. I’m scared, I’ll be honest. I’m scared, ’cause you never know who you gonna get pregnant nowadays. What if I get a big girl pregnant, right? And then the baby grow up, start to walk and run, and we can’t catch it. Like, we would literally be unfit parents, you know what I mean?” — Leonard Ouzts on Gotham Comedy Live

@ The American Comedy Co.,

9.13-15: Pete Holmes

“My rap name is LL Cool Bean.” — Pete Holmes on Twitter

@ KAABOO (check website for performance date),

A photo of Pete Holmes in 2018 at the Vulture Festival presented by AT&T
Pete Holmes
(Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for New York Magazine)

9.13-15: Jimmy O. Yang

“And just to rob you further, right, just to rob you further, these grocery stores, they force you to donate money. You know what I’m talking about? It’s a public shaming is what it is. As you’re checking out your groceries, the cashier lady, she’s like, ‘Sir, today with your purchases, would you like to also donate a dollar to the Save the Children foundation?’ I’m like, ‘Look, bitch, all I got is four packs of ramen noodles, man. What the f*** do you want from me? Somebody should give me a dollar, OK? I just used coupons and my EBT card.’ ” — Jimmy O. Yang at the Laugh Factory

@ KAABOO (check website for performance date),

A photo of Jimmy O. Yang at the 2018 Entertainment Weekly Pre-Emmy Party
Jimmy O. Yang
(Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images)

9.13-15: Tig Notaro

“My wife and I have newborn twin boys. It’s as exhausting as you hear about newborns. And there’s two. I won’t bore you with the details, but we are up at all hours — I guess I am going to bore you with some details. Maybe three weeks into their lives, it was like 4 in the morning, and my wife and I were in bed. Her eyes were rolling into the back of her head, and she said to me, ‘How do you have sex with a baby?’ And I said, ‘You don’t.’ And that was the beginning of a 10-minute-long misunderstanding. ‘What do you mean you don’t have sex with a baby?’ ‘What do you mean what do I mean?’ ‘What are you talking about?’ ‘Who did I marry?’ It takes a little while to sink in, what I just said.” — Tig Notaro on Ellen

@ KAABOO (check website for performance date),

A photo of Tig Notaro in 2017 at WCRF's "An Unforgettable Evening" presented By Saks Fifth Avenue
Tig Notaro
(Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for WCRF)

9.13-15: Tom Green

“I went to the Container Store to buy a box. They said, ‘Would you like a bag for that?’ ‘A bag for my box? Is it free?’ They said yes. I said, ‘Give me the free bag; keep your overpriced box. I just want something to put something in, man.’ ” — Tom Green at the Helium Comedy Club

@ KAABOO (check website for performance date),

A 2016 photo of Tom Green at Criss Angel's HELP Charity Event Benefiting Pediatric Cancer Research And Treatment
Tom Green
(Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

9.13-15: Jen Kirkman

“I think about certain things like climate change. I’m not a denier. I believe. I know it is real. But what I want to know is when I’m reading these articles and the scientists are like, ‘There’s one ice cube left! Everything’s f***ed! It’s happening!’ Do they mean, like, in a scientist way? As a scientist, if you say the Earth cannot hold human beings in 5,000 years, it’s all over ’cause of climate change, that, to a scientist, is like right now, right? So do you mean in 5,000 years? Basically, what I want to know is when can I start smoking again? I need it to be put in those kind of terms for me. If we only have five years left, I’m living totally wrong. I will start smoking again. I’ll put butter on my face. I’ll f*** someone’s husband. Like, I will change my life. So I would like more specificity in my climate change reporting.” — Jen Kirkman on I’m Gonna Die Alone (and I Feel Fine)

@ KAABOO (check website for performance date),

Jen Kirkman at Hilarity for Charity's 5th Annual Los Angeles Variety Show: Seth Rogen's Halloween
Jen Kirkman
(Randy Shropshire/Getty Images)

9.13-15: Donnell Rawlings

“Last year, I didn’t even know what ‘gluten free’ meant. This dude said, ‘gluten free,’ I was like, ‘How long was he locked up, dawg? Yo, we about to turn it up — Gluten just came home! I just talked to him! Lactose free too, but he going back. Lactose, he intolerant. He don’t listen to nothing.’” — Donnell Rawlings on The New Negroes

@ The Comedy Store,

A 2017 photo of Donnell Rawlings at TBS Comedy Festival
Donnell Rawlings
(Jason Kempin/Getty Images for TBS)

9.20-21: Amir K

“Confused Tinder with Uber last night. Woke up next to Fahid this morning.” — Amir K on Twitter

@ The Comedy Store,

9.25-28: Jo Koy

“I’m a dad. My son just turned 14, which means I’ve got about 20 more years before he moves out. He’s not going anywhere — I’ve got a nice pool, and he takes after me. He’s just like his dad. When I was 14, same thing. He’s going to summer school. He’s going to summer school ’cause he got a 1.8 in the eighth grade. But here’s the sad part — I threw him a party. Because when I graduated the eighth grade, it was a 1.7. I was like, ‘Dang! You are smart!’ ” — Jo Koy on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

@ San Diego Civic Theatre,

A 2019 photo of Jo Koy at WarnerMedia Upfront
Jo Koy
(Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Turner)

9.26-28: Nick Thune

“I don’t understand allergies, but I do get them.” — Nick Thune on Twitter

@ The American Comedy Co.,

A 2017 photo of Nick Thune at AFI FEST presented by Audi
Nick Thune
(Christopher Polk/Getty Images for AFI)

9.27-29: Hal Sparks

“A ‘piece of ass’ is a horrible thing to call a woman. A ‘piece of ass.’ A ‘piece of ass’ sounds like something an FBI agent would find in a field.” — Hal Sparks on Charmageddon

@ The Comedy Store,

A 2018 photo of Hal Sparks at 'CATstravaganza featuring Hamilton's Cats'
Hal Sparks
(Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for Kitty Bungalow)