Laughing stock: August comedy shows

Funny people headed to San Diego this month include Sherri Shepherd, Josh Wolf, Sarah Tiana, Ken Jeong and TJ Miller.

8.1-3: Tim Dillon

“Ben & Jerry’s always has one thing that does not belong in the ice cream. It’s like ‘We have fudge and M&Ms and pieces of my couch.’ ‘We have caramel, popcorn and the W computer key, right there.’ It’s like, let’s have one person who’s not on acid when we make the f**king ice cream.” — Tim Dillon on Comedy Central Stand-Up Presents

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

8.2-4: Jay Mohr

“Little girls are brutal. They will kick your ass. They say the meanest sh*t ever. And it’s always true and they never waste it. They wait until the most people are around. … Little girls wait until you have all your friends over for your fantasy football draft. And you’re like, ‘Could you not stand there?’ And she’ll be like, ‘How do you even know I’m yours?’ And all your friends are just looking down, don’t look up, you’ll be next. Don’t look at her. If you look at her, she’ll attack.” – Jay Mohr on the Laugh Out Loud Comedy Special

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

8.9-10: Sherri Shepherd

“I don’t get to come into New York much because I bought a house in New Jersey. And I was so excited I bought this house and it’s across the street from some woods. And I got this security system. And it chirps, you know, as soon as you come in the driveway. Chirp-chirp, when you open up the windows. And I was lying in bed the other day and I didn’t hear the chirp. I heard, ‘Warning, intruder. Get out of the house. Warning, intruder.’ And I jumped up, and I was looking for my wig, because I couldn’t find my wig. Because God forbid the burglars see me without my hair on. So I’m running around, and I run into my son’s room and he’s screaming in terror and I don’t know if he’s terrified because there’s burglars in the house or because his mama’s standing there butt naked with a wicker trash basket, looking like some version of National Geographic.” – Sherri Shepherd on Gotham Comedy Minute

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

8.9-11: Michael Kosta

“I live in Los Angeles. That’s where I live now. I get a lot of parking tickets. Well, I used to. Not anymore. And you don’t have to get parking tickets if you do what Kosta did: I removed my windshield wipers. Where ya gonna put the ticket now, bitch? Where are you gonna put the ticket now, bitch? Advantage — no tickets. Disadvantage — rain. I should’ve thought about rain. All the money I save on tickets goes to collision repair.” — Michael Kosta on Just for Laughs

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

8.16-17: Josh Wolf

“Do you know that in a lot of states in our great country, they’ve outlawed dodgeball? Do you know why? Because they say it humiliates the children. By the way, that’s ironically why we played the f**king game to begin with. Right? I was like, ‘Who we making cry today?’” – Josh Wolf on YouTube

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

8.18: Sebastian Maniscalco

“Can’t do a lot, though, I mean ... My wife likes to do scuba diving. That’s her big thing. Loves to scuba dive. I don’t do anything where there’s like a safety briefing prior to the activity.” — Sebastian Maniscalco on Stay Hungry

@ Viejas Concerts in the Park, viejas.com

8.22-24: Orny Adams

“Made it through another July 4th without having to take my shirt off. I picked the right party. Victory!” — Orny Adams on Twitter

@ The American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

8.23-25: Sarah Tiana

“Just complained about my fantasy player being hurt to a guy in a wheelchair.” — Sarah Tiana on Twitter

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

8.24: Brian Regan

“They ask the most insulting question when you go to check into a hospital: ‘What seems to be the problem?’ What seems …? Well, it seems, it seems like everything on my inside wants to be on my outside. But I’m no doctor.” — Brian Regan on I Walked on the Moon

@ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

8.24: Ken Jeong

“Vietnamese, they should f**king marry each other. You know why? They shouldn’t marry me. You know why? You guys have the same f**king last name. You know what I’m talking about? It’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation. Think about it.” — Ken Jeong on Laugh Out Loud

@ Pala Casino, palacasino.com

8.30-9.1: Dan Cummins

“I feel like I get a lot of mixed messages regarding nutrition at home. Like, [my fiancée] likes to lecture me about healthy eating, which would come across as a lot more genuine if she didn’t also like to constantly bake me delicious treats. Which I guess is different instincts inside of her. Part of her wants me to be very healthy, so I can live a long time and she doesn’t have to die alone. But another part of her wants to fatten me up just enough so that no other woman will ever love me.” — Dan Cummins on CONAN

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla