Laughing stock: July comedy shows

Funny people headed to San Diego this month include Brad Upton, Thomas Middleditch, Ben Schwartz and Doug Benson.

7.4: Brad Upton

“I was flipping through the channels the other night and I came across a senior golf tournament. I thought, who’s watching seniors play golf? Who has the kind of time in your life? You know what I would watch, though? Senior cage-fighting. I don’t think I could sleep if I knew that was on. Couple of 20-year-olds in a cage, they’re going to fight in another month. Couple of 80-year-olds, that’s a death match. Tap out, crap out, nap out, that’s how that’s going to end.” — Brad Upton at Dry Bar Comedy

@ Del Mar Fairgrounds, sdfair.com

7.5-7: Adam Ray

“I think the Kardashians should be on a full season of BEYOND SCARED STRAIGHT, then I’d keep up.” — Adam Ray on Twitter

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

7.5-7: Tony Rock

“Another thing I had to get used to in L.A.: all the different ethnicities. I had to get used to it. I’m from Brooklyn — blacks, whites, Puerto Ricans, that’s it. That’s it. I come to L.A., blacks, whites, Asians, Persians, what the f**k is an Armenian? I thought that s**t was a suit. I’m in the club, ‘Ni**a, is your hands clean? This is Armenian, ni**a.’” — Tony Rock on Def Comedy Jam

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

7.11-13: Jeff Dye

“I found out that I had dyslexia back in 2031.” — Jeff Dye at the Laugh Factory

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

7.12: Daniel Sloss

“I have the sniffles. I don’t really mind the sniffles because it means I get to sneeze, and I love sneezing. It’s my favorite thing. People say sneezing is a quarter of an orgasm. I’m gonna say it’s a full one. I enjoy them that much. Very similar to an orgasm in that you need tissues afterwards and you shouldn’t do it in a stranger’s face. It’s very important to remember the differences, guys.” — Daniel Sloss on CONAN

@ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

7.12-14: Greg Fitzsimmons

“Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.” — Greg Fitzsimmons on Just for Laughs

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

7.17: Doug Benson

“I’ve got to make a tough decision today: Do I see JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 - PARABELLUM again or do I see BOOKSMART again. But whichever one I choose, both titles make me feel like a smart reader!” — Doug Benson on Twitter

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

7.18: Mark Ellis

“You haven’t hit rock bottom until you bump into your mom on a dating website. I mean, it was bound to happen: she’s a cougar, I’m a big-game hunter. We’re gonna cross paths eventually.” — Mark Ellis at Gotham Comedy Club

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

7.19: Thomas Middleditch & Ben Schwartz

“My name is Thomas Stephen Middleditch. That’s a real name given to me by fate. I feel like I was born out of a Charles Dickens novel.” — Thomas Middleditch on Just for Laughs

“I swallow gum because I have trouble letting go.” — Ben Schwartz on Twitter

@ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

7.19: Dana Gould

“The fact is I’ve met far too many bald men with ponytails to expect this world to make sense.” — Dana Gould on CONAN

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

7.20: Jonah Ray

“I have the body of a hairy baby. I have the physique of a heroin junkie that’s also really into pizza and doughnuts.” — Jonah Ray on Just for Laughs

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

7.26-28: Bret Ernst

“It’s always the dad that’s f**king the family up. It’s very rare it’s the mom. I don’t mean to pick on fathers, I’m just saying, you’re the one handing out the issues. It’s usually the dad. You never hear of the mom having a whole other family nobody knows about. You know what I’m saying? There’s no moms setting up apartments for their side-d**k. It’s always the dad.” — Bret Ernst on Principal’s Office

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

7.28: Russell Peters

“Now, white folks, I hope you’ve enjoyed yourselves tonight so far. I’ve talked about white people a lot already. But I’ve got to talk to you a little bit more because I’ve got to talk to you about your parenting skills. Every time I see it on the news, I get really irritated. ‘You shouldn’t beat your children. Don’t beat your kids. Talk to them. Give them a time out.’ Beat the motherf**kers., that’s what I’m trying to tell you.” — Russell Peters on Outsourced

@ Humphreys by the Bay, humphreysconcerts.com