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Arts | Coolture

Laughing stock: June comedy shows

Funny people headed to San Diego this month include Jeff Dunham, Bob Saget, Chelsea Handler and Arj Barker.

6.1: Jim Gaffigan

“Are you familiar with the Japanese toilet? The Japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence and fixed it. The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes and that is in a Tokyo airport bathroom. You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in. You leave an American public restroom with PTSD. Your only thought is, ‘How can I forget that experience? Is there alcohol nearby?’” — Jim Gaffigan on Noble Ape

@ San Diego County Fair, sdfair.com

 Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan
(Getty Images)

6.2: Michael Rapaport

“Being a good rapper is hard to do. I’m a good Rapaport, but that’s about it.” — Michael Rapaport in Mother Jones

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

Michael Rapaport
Michael Rapaport
(Getty Images)

6.7: Jeff Dunham

“You say one of your daughters is getting married?”
“Bree, my oldest. Getting married soon.”
“Oh, good. That’s great. You were adopted, right?”
“Actually, I was adopted.”
“Good, yeah. Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Or is it just something your parents said to make themselves feel better?”

“No, I was adopted.”
“OK, OK. Are your biological parents going to walk your daughter down the aisle?”
“Why would they?”
“Well, they’re good at giving kids away.” — Jeff Dunham and his dummy Walter on Relative Disaster

@ San Diego County Fair, sdfair.com

Jeff Dunham
Jeff Dunham
(Courtesy photo)

6.7-9: Dean Delray

“I’ve been looking for an apartment lately. It’s an absolute nightmare. Apartment hunting is just like online dating. Like, you show up excited, right? Like, ‘All right, yeah! Oh no … you don’t look like your photo at all. You’re all dirty … and you got carpet.’” — Dean Delray on Conan

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

Dean Delray
Dean Delray
(Getty Images)

6.8: Bob Saget

“It is a bad prostate exam doctor if, while he’s giving it to you, both of his hands are on your shoulders?” — Bob Saget on Zero to Sixty

@ House of Blues, houseofblues.com/sandiego

Bob Saget
Bob Saget
(Getty Images)

6.13-15: Ryan Hamilton

“I went on a hot air balloon ride with a girl. I thought that would be romantic. It’s terrifying. It’s not romantic. There are all these obstacles. You have to get up at 5 o’clock in the morning. Did you know that? Hot air balloons, they don’t even work during the day. I didn’t know that. We were finished at 7:00 AM with our romantic experience. Where do you go from there? ‘Do you wanna hit Denny’s? Is that what we should do? Do you wanna take a 12-hour nap, and I’ll pick you up?’” — Ryan Hamilton on Happy Face

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

Ryan Hamilton
Ryan Hamilton
(Cara Howe)

6.13-16: Steve Trevino

“Something as easy as going through the drive-thru with my wife, it becomes a thing. And I try to be nice, right? I try to be patient. I try to get on top of it. ‘Hey, baby, be ready. One more car, it’s going to be our turn. Know what you want.’ ‘Oh, well, what do they have?’ ‘What do they have? It’s McDonald’s. It’s the same thing since we were four.’ Then it’s our turn to order, she acts like she’s never seen this menu. She has to lean over me. ‘Do they have whole wheat buns?’ ‘Whole wheat buns? We’re about to eat trash.’” — Steve Trevino on ’Til Death

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

Steve Trevino
Steve Trevino
(Getty Images)

6.20-22: Brian Posehn

“Want to feel young again? Smoke weed in front of a Radisson. When the dude reprimands you, I swear you’ll feel like you’re 15 for a whole minute.” — Brian Posehn on Twitter

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

Brian Posehn
Brian Posehn
(Getty Images)

6.21-23: Andrew Santino

“I had to do a physical, but you have to fill out a form. Have you ever had to do that? That’s a nightmare. On the first question it says, ‘How many drinks do you have a week?’ Have you seen this? … ‘How many drinks do you have a week?’ And the first answer is ‘Zero to one.’ What?! What kind of psychopath has one drink a week? Who is this person that I’m very afraid of that just goes, ‘One, that’s it for me’? One is creepier than zero or a hundred — by far. Because zero says, ‘Hey, man, I used to have a problem, OK?’ And a hundred says, ‘Hey, man, I currently have a problem.’ But one says, ‘I’m keeping a secret, and it’s a problem. A big problem.’” — Andrew Santino on Conan

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

Andrew Santino
Andrew Santino
(Getty Images)

6.22: Chelsea Handler

“I think having a baby is a huge responsibility, OK? It’s like a five-year commitment, and you need to be ready for it.” — Chelsea Handler at the Laugh Factory

@ Spreckels Theatre, spreckels.net

Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler
(Courtesy photo)

6.25 Eddie Izzard

“Wisdom, in life, that’s what your journey is. I don’t think there’s a god, ladies and gentlemen. I think it’s just up to us to try and be wise, try and get wisdom. And we used to have pipes. We used to smoke pipes, it helped us, all the way up until the 1950s. Everyone — all the real characters from history, Sherlock Holmes and Gandalf, and they all had pipes.” — Eddie Izzard on Live at the Apollo!

@ San Diego Civic Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

Eddie Izzard
Eddie Izzard
(Getty Images)

6.27-29: Arj Barker

“I wish I could tell you that getting married is the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to me, but, the truth is, my girlfriend and I lived together for just over three years before we got married. And I didn’t know this at the time, but I did learn it. Marrying your partner that you already live with, that’s like, that’s like wrapping up your own bike and giving it to yourself for Christmas.” — Arj Barker at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

Arj Barker
Arj Barker
(James Penlidis Photography)

6.28-30: Maz Jobrani

“We actually just had a baby boy five months ago. … We have an Iranian-Indian kid in America. How cool is that, right? Yeah, kid’s gonna get his ass kicked, that’s what I’m saying. The key is, you gotta give him a good name so that he doesn’t get into trouble in America. And that’s what we did. We gave him a good name. We named him Mujibar Mohammed Abdula Raheem Osama bin Laden Jobrani — because I need the material, you know what I’m saying? It’s like, ‘Son, how was your day at school? You were deported? Fantastic! Let me work that into my act.’” — Maz Jobrani on Brown and Friendly

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

Maz Jobrani
Maz Jobrani
(Getty Images)