Laughing stock: May comedy shows

April 26, 2019 3:24 PM PT

Funny people headed to San Diego this month include Seth Meyers, Jerry Seinfeld, Trevor Noah, Michelle Wolf and Nikki Glaser.

5.2-4: Ricky Velez

“I went to Europe. F**k Europe. I hate Europe, Europe doesn’t know how to do shit. Someone tried to rob me the second day I was there. They don’t do it like America. They don’t do it. It’s not gun-knife-give me your s**t. No, they got these things called gypsies, and they carry fake babies, and then they wait till you’re drunk and high outside a museum, and they throw a fake baby at you and try to steal your bookbag, and that’s a weird way to rob somebody. You shouldn’t rob somebody that way. I’m a Puerto Rican from Queens, New York. I’m not catching a baby that’s not mine. I’m not f**kin’ doing it, I’m not. I chest-bumped that motherf***er right to the floor. And then I kicked it.” — Ricky Velez on Just for Laughs

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

5.3: Seth Meyers

“President Trump claimed in a tweet this morning that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report from the Russia investigation is ‘the highest level of presidential harassment in U.S. history.’ I guess he’s not counting the time Abraham Lincoln got harassed at that play.” — Seth Meyers on Late Night with Seth Meyers

@ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

5.3-5: Jermaine Fowler

“I’m going back home for the holidays to see my family, and I’m excited to see my twin brother, Jerome. But, growing up, Jerome and I had a sibling rivalry, ’cause of our names. Jerome was named after my father, Jerome Sr., which is cool. That’s fine. I’m all for people naming your kids after you, but why would you do it if you had twins? … That’s rude. You don’t do that. That’s favoritism. At least name me something more creative like ‘Jerome 2.0’ or ‘I Can’t Believe He’s Not Jerome.’” — Jermaine Fowler on The Late Late Show with James Corden

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

5.9-11: Brad Williams

“People are always happy when they see midgets. You can’t help it. A lot of you don’t know who I am, don’t know what TV shows I’ve been on, when I walk on stage, you’re like, ‘This is going to be good.’ You see a midget, you’re happy. You can’t help it. No one’s ever seen a midget and yelled out, ‘Well, now my day has gone to hell.’ That has not happened. You see this, you’re smiling, you’re laughing. You know there’s a good shot you got a parade and some candy coming your way. You’re happy as hell.” — Brad Williams in Fun Size

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

5.9: Amanda Seales

“I believe there is such a thing as ‘whiteface’ because whiteface is what you put on as a black person when you’re trying to get a loan. That’s how that happens. ’Cause if you come in there like, ‘Yo, ’sup, bro?’ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No. ‘Hello! My credit is amazing as you can tell by the smile on my face and this ensemble I have put on to let you know I don’t know anyone in a gang.’” — Amanda Seales at The Stand Comedy Club

@ The Observatory, observatorysd.com

5.10: Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m left-handed. Left-handed people do not like that the word ‘left’ is so often associated with negative things. Two left feet, left-handed compliment. ‘What are we having for dinner?’ ‘Leftovers.’ You go to a party, nobody’s there. ‘Where did everybody go?’ ‘They left.’” — Jerry Seinfeld on Jerry Before Seinfeld

@ San Diego Civic Theatre, ticketmaster.com

5.10-11: Hannah Gadsby-Douglas

“I got a letter on Facebook recently. And I say ‘letter,’ ’cause I’m very bold. Controversial. But I call it a letter because it said, ‘Dear Hannah,’ comma, new line … ‘Bit of feedback.’ And it said, ‘You owe it to your community to come out as transgender.’ Now, all jokes aside, I really do want to do my best by my community, I really do, but that was new information to me. I don’t identify as transgender. I don’t. I mean, I’m clearly ‘gender not normal,’ but I don’t think even lesbian is the right identity-fit for me. I really don’t. I may as well come out now. I identify as … tired. I’m just tired.” — Hannah Gadsby-Douglas on Nanette

@ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

5.10-11: Jeff Ross

“I went to the gym today for three hours. I did 45 minutes of Instagram, one minute of cardio, then I went to the smoothie bar for the rest of the afternoon.” — Jeff Ross on Bumping Mics

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

5.11: Trevor Noah

“Alright, let’s kick it off with the Mueller Report. In many ways, it’s like the movie Roma. The thing everybody’s talking about, but no one has actually seen.” — Trevor Noah on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

@ Viejas Arena, as.sdsu.edu/viejas_arena

5.16-17: Sebastian Maniscalco

“My wife … she grew up in a family where they just — they have a lot of time on that side. They’ve got a lot of money. … They’re the type of family that when they graduated college, they took a year off to go find themselves. Do you know people like this? They graduate and they go backpacking through Europe and stay at hostels like they’re broke? They go find themselves. That s**t don’t fly on my side. When I graduated college, I couldn’t tell my father, ‘Dad, I’m gonna go to Europe to find myself.’ ‘What do you mean go find yourself? I found you, you’re right here in my house. Where are you gonna go? You wanna see you? Go look in the mirror. You got no job, and you’re in my house. I found you. You’re here.’” — Sebastian Maniscalco on Stay Hungry

@ Humphrey’s by the Bay, humphreysconcerts.com

5.16-18: Michelle Wolf

“Of course, Trump isn’t here if you haven’t noticed. He’s not here, and I know, I know, I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the President of the United States is the one pu**y you’re not allowed to grab.” — Michelle Wolf at the 2018 White House Correspondents’ Dinner

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

5.17-19: Greg Behrendt

“Candy is awesome. I love it. Candy is f**king the greatest. … And I make this promise, and, if you ever come to my house for Halloween, let me just say this. Fun size? Fun size? Fun size? Let me say it again: Fun size? What is fun about a third of a candy bar? Yeah, tell you what, why don’t you write ‘f**k you’ on it, and then put it into the bag. Because that’s what it is. It’s a ‘f**k you.’ And if you’re an adult and you don’t understand that, let me explain it this way: How about next Friday, we fun-size your paycheck?” — Greg Behrendt on Uncool

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

5.23: Sampson McCormick

“I got on Facebook at one in the morning to change my status from ‘In a Relationship’ to ‘Single,’ my aunt called me from North Carolina. So I picked up, and she was like, ‘You and that boy broke up?’ I was like, ‘Yeah, we broke up.’ She was like, ‘Thank you, Jesus. You know what that is, don’t you?’ I said, ‘What?’ ‘That’s the Lord’s way of telling you, you need to try you some p**sy.’ I was like, ‘The Lord did not tell you that, okay.’ ‘Yes, he did. I read it. It’s in Psalms somewhere. It’s in the King James version.’ I was like, ‘You might be reading the Rick James version, but that ain’t the King Games version.’” — Sampson McCormick at Flappers Comedy Club

@ Martinis Above Fourth, ma4sd.com

5.24-26: Nikki Glaser

“That’s all that’s in my phone. Texts between me and men who will never love me and naked pictures. I send those, and I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. The cloud is not secure, but, like, neither am I. I am in need of constant validation.” — Nikki Glaser on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com

5.24-26: Ben Gleib

“I’m addicted to Instagram. … All I do now is try to find beauty in the world. Never saw beauty anywhere, but I can get ‘likes’ on it, so all I do is convert beauty into likes. That’s all I do. … Yesterday, I pulled up in my car at a red light, and I saw this adorable four-year-old girl by a mailbox in a ballerina costume. I started taking a picture, and I realized everything I’m doing is very inappropriate right now. Her father was like, ‘What are you doing?’ I got nervous and sped off. But, in my defense, 63 likes.” — Ben Gleib on Neurotic Gangster

@ The Comedy Store, thecomedystore.com/la-jolla

5.30-6.1: Chris Distefano

“I travel, you know. You know where the first place I went, actually? England. I was like, ‘Oh, that’s where they invented English, so this’ll be like an easy transition.’ But I was wrong. Different words mean different things. Nobody told me that. Like, ‘last name’ is not ‘last name’ when you get there. They switch it up. It’s ‘surname.’ I didn’t know that. I get to the UK border, they’re like, ‘What’s your surname?’ I was like, ‘Uh, Sir Christopher Distefano.” — Chris Distefano on Kevin Hart’s Laugh Out Loud Network

@ American Comedy Co., americancomedyco.com