Laughing Stock

Compiled by Catlin Dorset

“Do you have a friend who drinks too much, smokes too much weed, cheats on his girlfriend, but he wants to pray before every meal? You don’t think God sees all this other stuff that you’re doing?” -Erik Griffin on Comedy Central: Live at Gotham
11/1-2: Erik Griffin @ The Comedy Store, La Jolla, lajolla.thecomedystore.com

“You know what I love about the 1970s running shorts? You can let your three-piece set just duck out the side. You know what I’m talking about? Just let it duck out the side, accidentally on purpose. Don’t show the whole thing, just a little bit, the nubs.” -Bryan Callen on Comedy Central: Live at Gotham
11/1-3: Bryan Callen @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.’” -Anthony Jeselnik on Comedy Central: Premium Blend
11/2: Anthony Jeselnik @ House of Blues, houseofblues.com (see story, here)

“What do you say if we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex... You know, see what happens.” -Dave Koechner as Champ Kind in Anchorman
11/7-10: David Koechner @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask him as many f***ing questions as possible.” -Whitney Cummings on Whitney Cummings: Money Shot
11/16: Whitney Cummings @ Balboa Theatre, sandiegotheatres.org

“I’m on a bit of a dry streak recently. The last woman I was actually with was about 310 pounds. I tore that up. But you gotta understand why: I had sex with her for the exact same reason she had sex with me - for the story.” -Brad Williams on Live at Gotham
11/8-9: Brad Williams @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“Asian chicks have dark-purple vaginas. If Barney had a vagina, that’s what it would look like. If it were a jacket Prince would wear it. That’s why black guys love Asian chicks - they think there’s grape drink down there.” -Bobby Lee on The Kevin Nealon Show
11/14-16: Bobby Lee @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com

“This country’s bad with money. Here’s how you know: we’ve picked a guy to be president who’s spent half-a-billion dollars to get a job that pays 400,000. And we put him in charge.” -Paul Ogata on Comcast’s West Coast Comics
11/15-16: Paul Ogata @ Mad House Comedy Club, madhousecomedyclub.com

“A pirate walks into a bar and he’s got a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, ‘Hey, you’re not gonna get any rum ‘til you tell me why you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants.’ The pirate says, ‘Argh, it drives me nuts.’” -Michael Winslow at the Edinburgh Festival 2011
11/22: Michael Winslow @ Casino Pauma, casinopauma.com

“If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?” -Daniel Tosh on Comedy Central: Premium Blend
11/23: Daniel Tosh @ Pechanga Resort & Casino, pechanga.com

“My cat’s my buddy, man. Me and him get high together. You get high with a cat? That’s my boy ‘n’ stuff. You know, he’s a little messed up, he owes me like 40 dollars, but I’ll get him high. I gotta take care of him every once in a while.” -Joey Diaz on Loco Comedy Jam
11/29-30: Joey Diaz @ The American Comedy Company, americancomedyco.com