Laughing Stock

Compiled by Megan Looney

“President Obama is going to visit Kenya. Republicans are calling it his birthright trip.” -Sarah Tiana on Twitter
5/1-2: Sarah Tiana @ The Comedy Store,

“I was on the street the other day; I saw a family. The parents were white, and the kids were Asian and they were adopted, obviously. But whenever you see that, doesn’t it feel like those parents are like showing off a little bit? Like, when they selected the baby they were like, ‘White one? No one’s gonna know that we’re heroes!’” -Mike Recine on Conan
5/4: Mike Recine @ Mad House Comedy Club,

“Your mother’s so dumb she went to Dr. Dre for a Papsmear. ‘Something’s wrong, Dr. Dre! My coochie’s doing a beatbox.’” -Shawn Wayans as Brittany Wilson in White Chicks
5/7-9: Shawn Wayans @ American Comedy Co.,

“I’ve been trying to work out, but that crap’s heavy. It’s not really for me. If I’m gonna do an illegal drug in the gym, uh, it’s not gonna be steroids, it’s gonna be Ecstasy. You’ll have the best workout ever just rubbing the weights on your body.” -Jeff Dye at Comedy Underground Seattle
5/8-9: Jeff Dye @ The Comedy Palace,

“I just wanna say to all of my peers, when Comedy Central calls you and tells you they want to honor you - and they will - just hang the f*** up. I got a dais half-full of f***ing loosers. I’ve seen people in front of Home Depot less desperate for work. -Roseanne Barr on Comedy Central’s Roast of Roseanne Barr
5/9: Roseanne Barr @ Balboa Theatre,

“This is the dumbest thing I ever did guys, I bought a sword on the Internet one time. I bought a f***ing sword off of the Internet. And then I got it in the mail and realized, hey, maybe we stop smoking weed, man. You’re making some pretty questionable choices in your life.” -Brooks Wheelan at South Beach Comedy Festival
5/14-16: Brooks Wheelan @ American Comedy Co.,

“If you smoke weed, have fun with it but quit trying to convince everyone it’s good for you. And stop using your dumb pot logic to convince us, ‘cause everyone says the same thing: ‘It’s natural; it comes from the earth.’ So does Uranium, dickhead, I’m not dousing myself in it.” -Bret Ernst at The Hollywood Improv
5/15-16: Bret Ernst @ The Comedy Store,

“If it takes five minutes to scroll through pictures of your boyfriend or girlfriend to show your friend a good one, they’re ugly.” -Colin Kane on Facebook
5/17: Colin Kane @ American Comedy Co.,

“Sex is always great, sex doesn’t change. What changes is excuses from the ladies. I’m looking at my wife, my wife looks sexy and hot and everything, and I say to her, ‘Honey, you wanna? You wanna uhhh?’ This was her excuse, this is what she says to me: ‘It’s 1:30 in the morning.’ You know what I said to her? ‘What f***ing time does your vagina close? Why don’t you take off your underpants so I can read the hours?’” -Howie Mandel on Howie Do It
5/19: Howie Mandel @ Sycuan Casino,

“The worst sound I ever heard in my life - my parents having sex. I’m over visiting my parents the other day... I go off to my little room they got set up for me from when I was a little kid. I’m laying there, I’m just about to go to sleep and all of the sudden I start to hear it. The moaning, the groaning... finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally, I rolled over and I said to them. I said, ‘Look, get the hell back to your own room.’” -Harland Williams on Late Show With David Letterman
5/21-24: Harland Williams @ American Comedy Co.,

“The barista, very nice person, said, ‘I don’t mean to offend you, but you look like Janeane Garofalo.’ None taken, none taken. And then, of course, on the heels of that was, ‘What ever happened to her?’” -Janeane Garofalo on Janeane Garofalo: If You Will, Live in Seattle
5/28-30: Janeane Garofalo @ American Comedy Co.,

“I went on a date recently with a woman in a wheelchair and I stood her up. Not surprisingly, that’s when she fell for me. And you know what? Then it became a bit of a drag, but now we’re on a roll.” -Michael Kosta on Comedy Central Presents
5/29-30: Michael Kosta @ The Comedy Store,

“I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I’m not a professional athlete and I don’t have access to the good stuff.” -Greg Proops on Comedy Central Presents
5/31: Greg Proops @ American Comedy Co.,